I had an abortion when I was 18. The father of our baby didn’t want the baby and he suggested I have an abortion. I was afraid of being judged and rejected by my parents, my church, and my community for having sex before I was married. I was afraid of being rejected by my fiance’, who was the father, if I didn’t have the abortion.

During the abortion, I dissociated and watched the doctor from the ceiling in the room. I didn’t feel the pain or see what he was doing. I saw myself on the table and the doctor working between my legs.

Immediately after the abortion, I was confused. The doctor got mad at me because the baby was 16 weeks old. He didn’t do an exam before he performed the abortion so he was relying on my memory related to the timing of things.

After, I tried to put it in the past but the knowledge of what I had done plagued me. I have wondered, through the years, what my child would have been like. My marriage to my husband, the father of my aborted child, was very difficult and we divorced after 10 years. He was physically abusive and an alcoholic.

I found help when I confided in a friend about the abortion. He had a similar experience and we leaned on one another. During that time, which was 9 years after the abortion, I finally accepted that Jesus took that sin to the cross, along with all my other sins, and I am forgiven. I am so thankful for Jesus and His mercy, paying the price for my sins. I hope my talking about my experience will help someone else.