I had an abortion when I was 39 years old because I was ashamed, embarrassed and didn’t want my relationship with the man I was living with to fail.  He didn’t seem to be interested in having a child and asked me “what are you going to about it?”.  

I called the abortion clinic but they told me I had to wait until I was at least 8 weeks pregnant. That was at least another 6 weeks. I panicked because I knew that if I felt that first flutter, I wouldn’t be able to have the abortion.  I was a divorced/single parent so I knew the first “flutter” from my pregnancy with my son. I didn’t feel it. 

When I entered the abortion clinic and filled out the paperwork, the lady who reviewed it saw my age and said “39 years old...you know what you’re doing.”.  Wrong I didn’t know.  I was just another number.  Herd them in and herd them out.  That’s how I felt.  I don’t remember very much other than knowing I was on the table, with my feet in stirrups, the sound of the vacuum (which I still remember today) and that my baby was in something that was down near my left foot.  I sat in a chair right after the abortion and then, casually, went to lunch with my friend who took me to the clinic.  I was relieved but I treated it as if it was an everyday occurrence.  No big deal.  

I just continued with life.  My relationship with the father ended, I stopped drinking and partying and realized that my 5 years in that relationship with the father were the darkest 5 years of my life.  I just ignored my abortion.  It was just another bad decision among many bad decisions in my relationship.

Right before COVID, I read a book in a Christian-ladies book club that was about a lady who had an abortion.  She named her baby and memorialized her baby.  The band aid was coming off my wound and I just sat and sobbed.  Even then, I didn’t realize how deep the wound was until I decided to volunteer with a pregnancy crisis center.  

I want to share how God worked in my life with my healing. I filled out the application to volunteer at the center. I called my preacher to let him know that the director of the center might call him for a reference.  He then told me that there was a lady in our church who wanted to begin an abortion after care recovery program for woman who had an abortion, would I be interested in talking with her.  Of course, I said.  This was the first time I had ever heard of an abortion aftercare recovery program.  Oh, how God works.  I am now volunteering at the crisis pregnancy center, and I am completing Forgiven and Set Free.  

I have found forgiveness not only from our God, but I have found forgiveness for me.  31 years after my abortion I have found forgiveness and I will be silent no more.