The year was 1998, I was 22 years old. The day I  moved out, was the same day I found out I was pregnant. Not by pregnancy test, but by the liquid that was coming out of my breast. Me? Pregnant? I didn't think I could get pregnant,  and it was very common for me to skip periods months on end. 

As my ex boyfriend was sleeping,  I said "ok, I'm leaving, goodbye and by the way... I'm pregnant." It was a long drive home. I was scared out of my mind, and I kept it a secret. 

I arrived home, just me, my kitten, and this thing inside my belly.  Back in good ol' Maryland safe and sound at my parents house.  I called my ex when I arrived. I said,  "what do you want to do? We can't do this. You live in MA, I live in MD. I will call a few places and find out how much things are." He agreed it was a good idea, we could not have a baby.  

I went to the store, got a pregnancy test. Three were in the box. I took all three. All positive.  I think I'm going to be sick. 

I told a few of my closest friends who were supportive besides one. I will call her "Rebecca" . Rebecca was against it, because she had one herself a few years back. She even called my mother about it. The day my mom came to me and asked if I was pregnant, I looked at her and denied it with every fiber of my being. The sad thing was,  my parents were supportive and were willing to help.  I didn't listen. I was scared and selfish.  

I pulled out yellow pages, or may have looked on yahoo or AOL and I found a place. I drove to the clinic by myself the following day.  Hillcrest Clinic or was it Potomac Family Planning Center? Regardless it was an old tall building in Catonsville. Not too far from a rough part of Baltimore City. 

I got the information. I was 8 weeks pregnant and the cost was $400.00! I just moved back home, and I didn't have a job yet. I couldn't ask my parents for money.  I called my ex and asked him for it. He was able to mail the full amount a few days later.

12 weeks pregnant.  I had no idea, I guessed and I made the appointment. 2 days later I drove to the clinic.  Many protesters outside yelling... I ignored them. I went into the office,  checked in, and sat down. It was not a very pleasant office.  Kind of dingy.  

They call me back. I went into the room, put on a gown and sat on the typical OBGYN table.  The doctor came in, with the nurse. The doctor said, "relax and put you feet in the stirrups." Did what I was told.  He told me he is going to give me a local numbing shot and that the only thing I will feel is pressure after that.

With the bright lights shining down, I closed my eyes.  I was not comfortable. I got the shot. He waited a few moments, turned the "machine" on and proceeded to have the nurse do the sonogram. 

He paused, and said "wait". He shut off the "machine", then said "you're a bit further,  what we will have to insert sticks to expand your uterus. You will feel a bit of cramping and  tomorrow you will have to come back to finish the procedure." 

I said "ok, do what you have to do". I really had no idea, and I trusted them. They are doctors,  right?! 

So the proceeded to insert sticks.  It was a bit uncomfortable.  After things were done,  I got dressed and went into the lobby to schedule tomorrow's appointment.  The clerk said "you should have someone drive you, and the cost will be and extra $900.00." I yelled to myself "NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS MORE!?" I told the clerk,  "no problem, see you tomorrow."

Total $1,300!  I got home and I called an old friend who I knew had the money. I explained everything and he was willing to help.  I also offered to pay him back.  That evening I got the $900.00 

When I got home I called one of my friends who I know would be willing to drive me up.  That night,  I tried to rest. I felt the cramping.  It felt kind of like period cramps. No big deal. I took two Ibuprofens.

My appointment was for 11:00 AM. My friend picked me up at 10:00 AM and we took that 25 minute drive and had normal everyday conversation. We arrived. It seemed like there were more people out protesting.  "Your going to Hell!" "You're a murderer!" I ignored them again.  

Back in the dingy waiting room. I checked in, and sat down. I was thinking as people looked at me, then looked at him "I betcha they think he's the father." Nope, he was two times my age.  

They called me back. 

There I was back in the room, put the gown on, and up on the table I went. Same doctor,  different nurse, and bright lights. They gave me another numbing shot, and the "machine" went on.  I closed my eyes. "My life was going to be back to normal," I thought.  The procedure took a few minutes, and I was done.

The nurse told me I was going to have a heavy period.  She gave me a ginormous pad to put on. I put on my underwear and ginormous pad. Then I got up from the table and she put me in a wheelchair, rolled me into a room with about 8 beds. 

A few girls were there laying down. It was so quiet. The lights were dim. The nurse offered me crackers and juice which I gladly accepted and rested for about 20 to 30 minutes.  I felt ok. So I got up, got a new pad, changed, got discharged, and met my friend in the lobby and left.

I felt tired. I was having a heavy period.  I arrived home about 1:00 PM, went upstairs to my room and laid down. 

I slept for a while.  The office gave me a hand full of ginormous pads to use. I was not allowed to use a tampon. I bled for approximately a little over 10 days. I moved on with my life and pushed what I've done way down. I chose to forget. 

.......

Fast forward,  2015 .... 40 years old. I came to saving faith in our Lord Jesus.  I truly learned and became aware of what I have done through a meeting at the Church I attended.  Delaware Family Policy Council had little realistic babies placed in a box.... it was then what I truly saw what I have done. I asked the Lord forgiveness.  

I have spoken about my story and shared with Nicole Tiess who put me in touch with Leslie Dean. I'm truly grateful.  I still am saddened what I have done, knowing I murdered my baby girl. I know I still need proper healing from it all.