Letter to my past self

Dear younger me 

I am writing to you today to tell you that no one is going to judge you for what you did. Contrary to what you may have thought, the only one who will know your secret is yourself and God.  But that does not mean that the guilt is any less heavy than if your parents, your siblings and the rest of the world knew it.

You thought it was the best decision at that time. and I understand your fears. Everything would have changed, nothing would have been the same.  From the moment your parents and family knew, your house would have been in chaos for some while.  Surely you would have brought humiliation and disappointment on your home, but the truth is that everything would have passed. After a few months you would have met the love of your life, it would have brought smiles and love throughout your house, although at this moment you do not believe it, I am so sure of this. 

Yes, it would not have been easy, your big plans would have changed, your career would have to wait a few more years, but with patience, strength and conviction, you would have achieved your goals, just in the same way as if you had made the other decision. 

It would not be the same path, but in this life nothing comes easy.  Now you would give anything to see that beautiful smile on his/her face, you would sacrifice anything to have known him/her, to see his hands perfectly designed by you and by his creator.  You would give infinite thanks to have him/her by your side, in fact he would already be your same age and would be starting his/her own life, his/her own path, but always by your side.

I wish someone had been by your side to give you good advice, advise that in the short term was not easy to follow, but in the long term would have saved you a flood of tears.  I understand that you did not have clear signs at the time regarding your decision, and you just wanted to get rid of what you called "a Problem" but the signs were always there.  You are strong, you are capable, you can cope with this and with much more than you think.

I tell you who you will be in a while, yes, time passes quickly and you will be a successful woman, with a good career, with comforts, with a wonderful husband, with a life that many would envy and consider fulfilling. 

The reality is that you could never have children, and you will never know what it is to see the face of that creature that could not keep growing inside you, and you will never know how it feels to be called mom.  Now you don't care about titles, or travel in the same way as before, it doesn't matter how many properties you have or anything that you own.  You know that you would have been successful in the same way, and that if you had said yes to life at that moment, you were still capable, you were still loved and protected from above, and you would never lack for anything. Such is Gods eternal promise to us.

Don't worry, I don't blame you in that way, I love you and I forgive you, he has forgiven you too.  It wasn't your fault at the time, how could you have known that after that day you couldn't have children?  Yes, I'm sorry to tell you this, but when your time came, fate had other plans, don't blame yourself, don't blame me, it's the process we had to live, and that's ok. I wish I had chosen wisely, unfortunately I believed my fears, my insecurities, my lack of trust in His plan for me, and that the creature that was coming here would ruin everything.

That's why I ask you to think about it two, three, or a thousand times if necessary, until you choose wisely.  I would give anything to change your decision.  Hopefully one day someone will invent that time machine that dreamers write about, and this letter could reach your hands in time.  If you are there, if you are reading this, believe me you are not alone, choose well, choose life, ALWAYS, as on the other side there is only darkness.