“And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their Testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death”. (Rev. 12:11)
Twisted memories eased into my mind. Grotesque but true as true can be. Although I was not there in the ancient days when Molech’s flames flared; I could see children being tossed into the inferno because of twisted beliefs with no shame. Yet I did the same in the twentieth century to hide with thousands more, I sought to hide my shame. I would after my deed of cover up; have my shame follow me for a very long time. I would see myself throwing infants over the brink and yes, they were my own.
I believe my ragged road started when I was molested at the age of four by my mother’s friend’s son. Or, it could have happened when I witnessed my mother’s beatings by my ruthless father. I ask myself at times was it the rape when you were seventeen? The oldest of eight, a black poor child always living in shacks somewhere in the country going to all white schools, misunderstood and rejected. Not forgetting my name was different; Onawu Alladin. That was rough in the 60’s and 70’s who had given African names then? My name is Nigerian and means this one shall live. Little did I know that I would get to know God and was named this by God for He had a sure plan. “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope,” (Jeremiah 29:11). I had no Christian or Muslim or Hindu or any religious training. I did not know about the true living God’s love. For that matter not anyone else’s. By the way that son of my mother’s friend was arrested later for armed robbery and rape he is yet in prison for life.
My father preached atheism, but yet he claimed if there was a god it was the white man’s god and the Negro had nothing. By the time I reached my senior year of high school I got pregnant by rape. It was a date rape; no matter the technical term rape is rape. I did not report it. I did not tell my parents; I was too ashamed. When the physical evidence became quite clear to my parents I was in serious denial. I would simply say I am not pregnant. I do not know what is wrong with me I was not pregnant! You see I was the one that would become the first to graduate from high school and become a doctor, lawyer, teacher, and journalist. I was a good girl. Of course my father blamed the girls I hung with.
I finally went to the doctor at seven months and yes of course I was pregnant. I do not know how I made it thru the last months of senior year without being expelled, because back then (1972) an unwed high school girl was not allowed to mix with the other students. I look back now and know that God’s hands were on me. I graduated and walked across the stage to receive my high school diploma. In the mean time at home the pressure was on. My father and mother wanting to know who the father was, even after telling them they did not know who he was. I still refused to tell them I was raped. I did not think they would believe me and I did not want to go thru further public shame with police and the district attorney. My mother wanted me to have the baby and let her raise the baby. My father wished he had known earlier in my pregnancy and he would have forced me to abort. Then he called in a social worker to try to make me adopt the baby out. I was confused. I never told the father of course I hated the very sound of his name and the sight of him sickened me. I saw him years later while married to my current husband; it was about sixteen year later, I was still very better and carried much hate. I did have a little boy my mother did end up raising him, (that is another story I have to tell later).
I moved with my family to Washington State and started going to a community college in Yakima, Washington. My son was born October 7, 1973. I started school January 1974. I got pregnant again. At that time I felt I failed again. Why could I not be accepted whey could I be strong and not let my emotions and hormones take over? This father did not want to be and did not want to help me. I was told by a concerned friend about the new law that allowed you to have an abortion legally. You know this was the time of love the one your with. Silly I to think that it was only sex and the one you’re with was only empty pleasure. The only thing I was thinking of was cover up. I definitely could not tell my parents. I had no church family and I had no God. What to do, what to do? My answer came for my shameful cover up.
I was led to Planned Parenthood. They would keep things confidential. No one would have to know. I made an appointment to talk to one of their counselors. Yes indeed, she was very consoling. She conveyed that I had to rest of my life to think of. A child would only majorly hinder my success. Beside she said that I was barely four weeks pregnant and it was not a baby but a piece of tissue the size of the tip of lead in a pencil. How since she had the medical background and I was ignorant of those things I agreed and believed I was desperate and needed a cover up for my shameful situation. I allowed her to convince me (a human being) to think I was not carrying another human being by saying that all that was growing in me was a glob of tissue. The appointment was made and the plot thickened with evil on both of our parts.
That next week I went to the clinic to have it done. I don’t even remember it someone dropped me off or it I came by bus. I just remember being there. I remember after going into the clinic and registering and sitting in the waiting room somehow I felt I should not be there. I was called into the procedure room and there was the nurse who said it would be quick and not to worry. The doctor/abortionist came in smiling if that was to comfort me; a handsome man with a smile. He explained to me what he was about to do. There on a metal court was a small machine with a vacuum attached that would extract the fetus out of my womb. Remember they did not say fetus or baby it was explained to me as tissue. He then inserted the vacuum into my womb and sucked life from me. At that very second I did not realize that the plot of the enemy of my soul (Satan) set up the plot for my demise as well as my baby’s life, as well as my mental stability.
I was given instructions in case of hemorrhaging or any other serious complications do not call them, but go to the nearest emergency room. In other words don’t call us for we surely will not follow up with you. I went back to my dorm room and lay upon my bed and curled up in a fetal position and cried myself to sleep knowing somewhere in my being that I did something heinously wrong. Time did go by and I did not finish college. I soon got a job working at the police department in the city of Yakima, Washington as a complaint clerk. Yeah, yeah……I was still looking for love and acceptance. My guidance was still of ungodly counsel. Remember it was a time of love the one you are with. The misguiding brought on loneliness and unsatisfaction that only God could do. I was with someone who I thought loved me, but again he only loved what he could get from me; what I allowed him to get physically and mentally. I got pregnant again. Again I failed again I was made a fool of. Again I was drenched in shame.
Again the die was cast the mold was set to lead me to Planned Parenthood. I allowed them to do what was done before because I needed another cover-up. I was truly raggedy then. That time sitting in the waiting room of the clinic was another young lady. We could not even acknowledge each other because of being so twisted and confused. Yet it was another way of escaping our shame. After I went home to my apartment, again I was led to that fetal position to abide in a broken and twisted raggedy state of mind.
A few years later I met someone and I was determined that the next time I got pregnant I would surely be married. I was married first then I got pregnant. I gave birth to first a girl then a boy. The plot of Satan thickened. The marriage unfortunately was not one of happiness and joy. I thought my joy and happiness would be in marriage and family. But, if God is not the center of your life there will be no such thing. There would only be a set of twisted circumstances. Well, I don’t recall the hour or the day I began to notice whenever I would drive or was driven over bridges, overpasses, etc. I could see myself throwing infants over the bridge or overpass. Actually, if I was holding that child in my lap I would hold the baby tighter against my breast. I would be in a panic stricken state breathing heavily and sometimes shaking. That followed me for years into my early fifties. I am fifty seven now. I could not understand why I was having these experiences. I never shared this with anyone. I still struggled with depression, very low self-esteem. Planned Parenthood did not tell me of course about the psychological ramifications that it would bring.
By the way I accepted Jesus Christ into my life while I was in this horrible marriage. I did not know what love was or marriage truly was supposed to be. My unfortunate understanding was remembering my parent’s violent state of affairs and my unfaithful husband’s infidelities. It was by God’s grand and majestic plan that I met is first cousin Gwendolyn she took me in and lead me to God’s splendid salvation. That beautiful servant of the Lord has since gone on to be with the Lord. Even so I did not realize until step by step that my greatest healing was yet to come. Although that marriage was ending and I had accepted the Lord into my heart and had lifted some horrible burdens. I was still in a raggedy state. God had and still has a plan. I met a man after my first husband abandoned me and our two children. We got very much involved and again I got pregnant and again I was expecting rejection except this time He was a man that wanted children and a wife. He wanted to be responsible and reliable. Gerald asked me to marry him and he became my son and daughter’s father. He is a wonderful man and we are together today. We both asked God to forgive us and we did the right thing before God and witnesses by getting married.
It was September 2000, that I opened a dress boutique in Tracy, California. My boutique was right around the corner from a pregnancy resource center. I have come to realize that God will set you up to give you what you truly need. This center is one of hundreds around the nation to help women and teenagers in crises situations regarding pregnancy. One day, I happened to bump into the director of the center and we talked. It was a couple of months later that I decided to volunteer at the center. I went thru training to peer counsel and any other tasks that would be needed. The director and I felt that I also needed healing as I told her of my own experience of having two abortions. I also wanted to counsel with post-abortive women. I thought that because I had asked God to forgive me and I had repented that I was healed. I was saved and both my husband and I are licensed and ordained ministers. Yet I was still having the issues of going over bridges and overpasses and still seeing myself tossing infants over. I was in need of total deliverance. The road to my healing was to start the Pace Program which guides you thru the Bible and shows you about God’s healing, forgiveness and love. Thru this program God’s healing began. Part of my healing process was that I needed to acknowledge that although I had asked God to forgive me; and yes He had. It is just that I had never mourned the death of my babies. Thru my healing and studying God’s word with Lynda at the center and seeing the models of the different life stages of the baby in the womb it helped me to see that the babies were not just a piece of tissue or a blob they were human beings that God intended to have life just like anyone else that He created. I came to acknowledge my wrong.
The climax of my healing came when I went through a memorial service for my babies. This process was needed because just like someone losing a child thru sickness or miscarriage or other unfortunate circumstances we must mourn. I had to name my children. I named them Grace and Glory for it is God’s grace and His Glory that is carrying me. At the service the facilitators had little white angel dolls to represent our babies. We were asked to pick up each doll according to the number of abortions that we had. I went to the table and picked up two dolls and held them in my arms, just like I was holding two real babies. Looking down at those two little angel dolls a wail came from the depth of my soul and heart and tears flooded down my cheek. After I went through this mourning process it was a short time later, maybe a month or so that it was brought to my attention that I was no longer experiencing tossing children over the brink. Those scenes were because of the abortions. Oh my Lord knew that my healing would start with acknowledgment, repentance, forgiveness. Above all that my babies are alright with the King of Kings. Let me not forget that God has thrown my deeds into the sea of forgetfulness and His love for me is everlasting.
I am still on the road to healing, but the sting is no longer so great. God has brought me from raggedy to royalty. I know also, that healing can be absolute. Mark 11:22 -23, states, “ So Jesus answered and said to them, “ Have faith in God.” “For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, be removed and be cast into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.” I now tell my testimony. God has called me to sound the alarm to save the unborn and to let mothers and fathers know that have experienced abortions that there is love, healing, and forgiveness. An essential thing is to learn to forgive ourselves. He is too happy and willing to forgive. According to Merriam Webster Collegiate Dictionary forgiveness is giving up resentment of, to grant relief from debt, or to give pardon. Praise the Lord that I am forgiven! Hallelujah that the Lord loves me. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9).
Because of me accepting Jesus Christ as my saviour I no longer experience the anxiety of what I had done. Don’t get me wrong there are times when the enemy will try to bring it up again, for he is the accuser of the brethren (Revelation 12:10) accept now the Holy Spirit reminds me I am forgiven. I am saved by grace and He has wiped all my sins away. All that has gone thru my situation must know that there is hope. If God did it for me He will surely do it for you. Because of God’s forgiveness and my faith in Father I was able to forgive myself. That is a very steep mountain to climb; forgiving oneself. Because He has forgiven me, “Blessed is he whose transgression is covered, whose sin is covered”, (Psalm 32:1). Not only did I forgive myself but, I had to forgive the molester the rapist as well as the father of my children and do not forget the abortion clinic and the abortionist. Please do not think it was an easy task; it was only because of Father’s grace and mercy that it was done. I was able to tell my story at the center’s annual fund raising banquet as well as telling it at an Aglow meeting as well as my own church.
My shame has been wiped away. I am more than willing to tell my true story. “And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by their testimony.” (Revelation 12:11). I may have started out very raggedy but when I accepted Jesus into my life; who is the” King of Kings and Lord of Lords, “(Revelation 19:16). God adopted me into His royal court as one of His. That’s how I came from raggedy to royalty! I pray that my testimony will help to bring healing to many in Jesus’s Name and the unborn be saved. If you do not know Him as your personal saviour please get to know Him. May Jesus bring healing, love and peace to you.