Over twenty-seven years ago I made what would be the most grievous of many terrible and life altering decisions. I had already been making sinful choices before this, but this “choice” changed me in a more permanent way.
The early years of my childhood were spiritually confusing at best. On the worst days of my childhood, I suffered from physical and sexual abuse. I did not realize the great love of God.
When I was eighteen I became pregnant. I was consumed by fear.
The day I had an abortion, was the day I went to college. We went to Planned Parenthood. The place was cold and unfriendly. Behind the mask of fake smiles and lulling words; ”it will all be over soon “, “it’s like having a bad period”, the voice within me was cut off from reality… evermore sedated by fear… I pretended that doing this must be fine because it’s legal. I was ashamed. Then… I heard the worst noise I will ever hear. It was the sound of suction from a machine. The recovery room was filled with crying women.
I attempted suicide within a few months of being at college.
I began drinking heavily. I became more promiscuous and self -loathing. I told myself God hated me. Within this horrific cycle of drinking and sexual sin I had two more abortions. I was numb for years. It was just when I thought everything was entirely lost including me that God reached into my heart and broke it with His Mercy. I finally confessed my sins and He forgave me. I began to experience healing.
A few months after my youngest daughter was born, I felt compelled to speak out about abortion and the devastation it causes. I was led to CareNet (post abortion healing). Through the program at CareNet and the loving witness of these women, the silence began to break.
A few years later, I met a dear friend who encouraged me to go on a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. I was afraid. I felt I would have to tell my five children. By His Love and without a doubt because of Our Lady’s Grace, my five children were not hindered in their forgiveness of me.
I experienced the greatest hope and healing as I memorialized my children by name…on the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat, I entrusted each one to the Sacred Heart of Jesus through the Immaculate Heart of Mary.
I know that life on Earth is continual healing in Christ Jesus who loves us. Without this healing, I would not be able to carry on another day. This is why I am so grateful to be Silent No More. Praise God for his Mercy endures forever.