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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Mary's Story
Mary J
Virginia, United States

I was 17 years old when I had sex in the back seat of a car.  I didn’t really want to do it but felt pressured because everyone else was doing it.  I had sex one time.  I was experiencing a really bad vaginal infection (green substance ran down my leg) so went to a gynecologist for the first time.  I was informed that I was pregnant along with suffering fromTrichomonas, an STD.  The doctor knew my mother because she was an OBGYN nurse.  He told me that he was going to give me 3 days to tell my mother and then he would call her.  He said that if I chose to abort the baby, he would protect  my privacy. 

I’ll never forget that day.  I was on my way to the hospital where my mother worked to tell her.  I was just going to have to do it no matter how much I didn’t want to.  On my way there, I ran into a friend.  I told her what I had just learned.  She adamantly told me that I could not tell my mother and that I had to get an abortion.  I turned to my older sister.  She said that her roommate was pregnant and planning to get an abortion so she would just take me at the same time. 

My sister took me to a clinic and dropped me off.  I was so scared.  I checked in and did as they asked.  I filled out the paperwork and then sat there all alone.  I was called into a treatment room and told to undress and get on the cold table.  In a few minutes, a doctor came in to examine me.  He was very rough.  It was very uncomfortable due to the severity of the STD. As he jammed his hand into my vagina, I tightened up.  He then meanly said to me, "You have a bad attitude.  I’m here to help you."  As he walked to the door he turned to me and said, "Do you want my help or not?"  So I said, "Yes. I need your help."  He completed the examination and I laid as still as I could without moving until he was done.  He then just walked out the door and slammed it behind him.

I got up and put my clothes on.  I was told to go sit in the hallway on a wooden bench.  They informed me that I would be able to speak with a counselor, before I made the decision, in the event I wanted to change my mind.  As I sat there, I was convinced that this was not what I wanted to do.  I was going to tell the counselor just as soon as I could that this was NOT what I wanted to do.  In what seemed to be an eternity, I was called by a nurse into an exam room.  They put me on the table and began to start the procedure.  I recall, that as I lay there, I could hear the nurses talking.  One of them said, "Who is this?" And the other nurse said, "Mary Jones."  She replied, "There must be two Mary Joneses here."  The other replied, "Oh well, just go ahead and do it while she’s here." 

I went home and made an appointment with my Pastor.  I explained to him what I had done.  He told me that God places all of our sins into the sea of forgetfulness and that I was NEVER to mention this to anyone ever again.  In the mind of that 17 year old, I left believing that if I told anyone, God would stop forgiving me.  I put that event into the back of my mind and would never speak of it again for years.

Even though I had not spoken about it, I was unable to be intimate with anyone.  I was always emotional and had problems with depression the rest of my life.  My first  husband did not understand and called me names like "frigid" and would accuse me of being a lesbian.  I could only have sex if I was self-medicated and numbed myself.

In 1996, I went through an interpersonal development program in Dallas, Texas called Pathways.  It’s since been renamed createagreatlife.com.  The program was designed by Dr. Phil McGraw and his father, Dr. Joe.  It was during this program that I started to remember my abortion experiance.  Although I did not trust, anyone I did get some help.  It wasn’t until I began one-on-one coaching and counseling with Dr. Mark Rogers, PhD from Pathways, that I was able to get the healing that I needed. 

During my child-bearing years, anytime I looked at a child I would say to myself, "You can’t have that because you killed yours."  I am 45 years old and I’ve been married 3 times.  I was never able to get pregnant.

My husband now of 4 years has been through the Pathways program and he understands and knows about that tramatic experience.  We don’t have sex, but I do love him.  He understands and accepts that.  I have been told by my mother to just do it anyway.  But it’s not that easy.  When I do it anyway, I close my eyes and I feel raped.  I start to cry and hurt inside and I can’t just lay there.  I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I have been able to achieve sexual pleasure in the past, but only when I was manic. 

I would like to speak out and let anyone who is considering abortion just how much damage it will do to your life.  Thanks for letting me share my story.  For many many years I was not able to talk about it.  The suppressed pain was a very devastating thing on my life. 

 If I could prevent someone from experience the life I lost, I am willing to do whatever I can. 


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