When I was about twenty-two years old, I was living in San Francisco with a boyfriend. It was the first time I had lived away from my family. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was really excited. When I gave my boyfriend the news, he asked me, "So when are you getting rid of it?" I told him I would not do that. I was very upset and shocked. As he got angrier at me, I got more confused and terrified. I did not want to lose him because I thought he was the love of my life. I was young and depended on him for most everything. I never thought he would react in that way and I felt the lowest I have ever felt.
The next night he came to me very nicely and said that he was sorry, but he just couldn’t see how we could make it with a baby. He reassured me that in a couple years we would get married and then start a family. The reasons he listed ranged from not having a good car or making enough money to our relationship not being ready for it. I cried for hours begging him to give it a chance and to let me keep it, but he said we just couldn't.
I tried to understand where he was coming from. I didn’t want to ruin his life as he told me I would. I never wanted it to be that way; I didn’t want to be the girl who trapped her boyfriend or did something unfair. I thought I was showing my love for him, but I was wrong.
No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't see how I could actually go through with an abortion, but I was terrified of going back to my mom's house in southern California and he knew this. Of course one of his many threats was that he would send me back to my mom's, which would have been a horrific environment for me and my baby. Out of fear of losing him and my life up north, I agreed to have the abortion and convinced myself it was for the best. At that moment I really was in a state of panic. I felt like it wasn't really happening to me. It was surreal and I had little emotion from that point on; I was completely numb.
He took me to the clinic where they gave me some pills to calm me down and make me sleepy. I felt trapped. I felt that I had no one to help me and had nowhere to turn.
I had a horrible job and no money. I felt I had no choice. He sat in the waiting room and looked at magazines while they called me into the room. I got on the table, lay down, and cried the whole time. The nurse asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with it. I said yes when I should have screamed no. I died inside that day and would never be the same.
Our relationship deteriorated over the next few years we spent together. There was no plan for having a future; it was never was even discussed. I buried myself in the Bible and repented for my wrong choice. I really got into church then and he, being a non-believer, was disgusted by it. The only positive thing I can say about this time is that my hurt brought me back to God. If I had known Him sooner, maybe my choice would have been different.
I am sharing this story in the hope of helping others by letting them know that it is possible to go on after such a horrible event. There is help out there that I knew nothing about. I want to help others to know that before it is too late and the wrong decision is made. I do not want anyone else to go through what I went through.