I had an abortion because my father made me. My mother protested. She refused to sign for the procedure. She was told that her signature wouldn't be needed.

During the abortion procedure, what shocked me was that it could be so horribly easy.  Immediately after the abortion, I cried for days and felt like I had certainly killed someone. 

As time passes I blame certain things on the abortion. When my second pregnancy gave me Sarah we had trouble with her health. That was so unusual and I found myself blaming it on the sin of the abortion.  When my second pregnancy gave me Bryant I blamed the fact that he has epilepsy on my selfish act.

I just couldn't stand my father looking at me like he did.  I was throwing up and he was telling me that no man would ever want me again. I sacrificed my firstborn for shallow reasons. I often wonder what my father thinks of that decision I made all those years ago.  I can hardly look at him when that is in the front of my thoughts.  I love my father. He has done so many good things. He has become so useful for the Lord.  But how does he sleep at night? I wonder.  No matter how much I wonder I dare not bring it up and ask him.  I am fifty years old now. When I try to ask him I feel like I am fourteen again. I am too scared to bring it up and at the same time too scared not to bring it up.