In 1992 I chose to have an abortion. I was a divorced, single mother living in a small apartment with my two adorable young boys--the innocent little boys that I had thrust into the misery of a broken home when I chose to end my unhappy marriage. I had dropped out of college prior to getting married so my gainful employment options were limited. I was working for barely more than minimum wage. My friends consisted of more and more alcohol and a young man I’d met at the night club I escaped to every weekend.  Even though I dearly loved my boys, every day I felt like a failure as a mother. I was in denial about my alcoholism. I was in rebellion against God. I became reckless and self-destructive.

When I found myself pregnant again, I panicked. The father reacted by sleeping with another girl who promptly showed up at my apartment looking for him. I felt I had no one to turn to for support because I was filled with shame. I made an appointment at an abortion clinic.

When I got to the clinic, which was hidden well back from the main road, there were several people out front holding signs. I don’t remember what the signs said. What is seared into my memory is walking past the man who was holding a giant wooden cross. I hung my head and kept walking to the front door as if I was in a trance. Everything inside of me screamed “Run, run away from this evil place.” But run to where? Where was safe? I was blind to any other option.

The clinic was dimly lit, it smelled of disinfectant, and was filled with women waiting for their turn. Their turn to end their baby’s life. At the front desk the clinic worker reacted to the stricken look on my face by telling me not to pay any attention to “those people” out front. She asked for the cash and asked me if I was paying extra for the anesthetic. I paid the extra. I was given paperwork and a pill and was directed to sit and wait.

Mercifully, I don’t remember the procedure in great detail. But the sounds of the machinery and the abortionist’s stern and repeated admonition to lie still are as clear to me as if they happened yesterday. I laid there and thought: “How does a mother who has been blessed with precious children knowingly end the life of their baby?”

Immediately after the abortion I felt relieved that I was not pregnant any more. But that relief was soon replaced with a feeling of utter unworthiness and guilt. Within a few short months I had quit my respectable clerical job, began working in bars, isolated myself from family, and gave custody of my boys to their father. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was imploding because of the abortion. It was like descending into an abyss of my own choosing. An abyss filled with alcohol, unhealthy relationships and self-destructive decisions.

But thankfully, God did not give up on me. He pursued me. He was faithful. Broken and utterly lost, I finally surrendered my life to Christ in 2000 and began a life of sobriety and healing. I knew in my head that I was given the gift of forgiveness for my abortion. What I didn’t know was that I needed to grieve for my child, and I needed to actually open the gift of forgiveness and feel it in my heart and soul. The most beautiful part of my abortion story is that it was my son who led me to a wonderful church in 2008. There, on Mother’s Day, 2009, I heard the courageous testimony of a woman who had also committed the sin of abortion and had been healed and set free from the burden of guilt and shame. Because of her willingness to share her experience I began a Bible study with her called Forgiven and Set Free. I learned about the loving character of our God and Father. I was healed because of the love of Christ.  He helped me take that last step out of the abyss!

I thank God every day my story didn’t end in that dark place. I thank God my child’s story didn’t end with the abortion. She is in heaven now, and I will see her and love her.  It is my hope that my sharing this testimony will encourage other women to take that step of healing. Reach out to God. Open the gift of His forgiveness. You are His daughter and He loves you. Come as you are and surrender to Him. You can climb out of the abyss caused by abortion. You can be set free and be Silent No More.