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Moving Past My Shame
Laura
Wisconsin, United States

When I was a teenager, I thought abortion was wrong, but I didn’t know why. I met an older, married man, and I soon gave in to the pressure for sex.

When I found out I was pregnant, the father’s response was, “You need to get an abortion.”

I was deeply ashamed. Planned Parenthood staff told me abortion was legal and without examining me, told me I had a tubal pregnancy and I could die. She told me I should make the abortion appointment quickly.

When I was on the table and the doctor started the procedure, I cried and told him it hurt and to stop, that I didn’t want to do this. He spoke the only words he ever said to me: “You should have thought of that before”.

After, all I felt was relief. It was all over. Like an eraser. Now, no one would know what a terrible person I was.

I married the father. I felt like used goods. But soon came the depression,  And the nightmares.  And the fear.  And the suicidal thoughts. I functioned in daily life, but at night, I would look out at the other windows, and wish I was behind any of those windows – instead of mine. I isolated myself.

What was supposed to be an eraser; hadn’t erased anything at all and it was destroying me from the inside.

I believed God could never forgive me, but I was so desperate, I went to church. I found hope that God could forgive me; that He wasn’t sitting up on His throne, with a lightning bolt in His hand, aimed at me. I began to grieve my child. I learned of a Bible study called Forgiven & Set Free.

Once I accepted that God could forgive me, I began to move past my shame. I began to see how He was able to turn that darkness into light. Without God’s mercy and grace, I would not be alive today.

What I once hid in shame, I will expose to the light. I am silent no more.

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