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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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To Feel Alone
North Carolina, United States

I was a very lost and already a single mom of a beautiful little girl.  I had moved back to NC and found myself getting back into some old habits, like the same loser men that I knew and thought I deserved.  I had no self-esteem, and my baby girl’s dad was a married man, so she was a product of an affair.  But I loved her with all I had in me!  I didn’t care how she got here, all that mattered was that she was my daughter.  The father wanted me to abort her, and I said, “Absolutely not!”    Never would I do something so vile!   

Well, guess what, two and a half years later, I did.  I was lonely, seeking a man for that void, and got pregnant.   I couldn’t believe I was pregnant again!  What was I supposed to do now?  I had no family and very little money to raise my daughter as it was, and he denied being the father.    He was a drug addict loser.  So here I was, alone and lost.   My friends encouraged me to go ahead and have it done.   My one friend had had a few abortions, so it was no big deal to her, I thought.  So, I made the call to the clinic.   

I had to go to my appointment for an ultra sound.   I did not want to go and was very adamant that I didn’t know how far long I was.   I wasn’t there out of joy but so much sadness.   “Well,” she blurted out, “You’re seven weeks and five days.”   I was so angry and dying inside but continued with the procedure.  

So, I went home, hugged my baby girl, and cried!   What was I fixing to do?   I was going to kill my baby and that was ok?  No, I knew it wasn’t, but I still went.  

I remember sitting in a room with a bunch of girls. They were laughing like it was a joke.   I took a Xanax for my nerves, but my heart was breaking.  I thought, “You all are terrible women!”  But I was in the room being one of those terrible women!   I went back and got in the stirrups.  I was crying.   The nurse said to me, “Oh honey, it’s no big deal.  I’ve had three.” (I think she might have said a few.)  I felt the awful pain of my cervix being dilated, and there was an old metal box with a vacuum hose attached.    Oh, they should have just sucked my heart out also.   I couldn’t believe what I had just done.   All I wanted was to run and hold my baby girl at home, who was waiting for her mom, her baby-killing mother.   I stayed a couple hours and a friend drove me home.   We didn’t talk much, because all I could do was cry.  I was a murderer.  I felt that God was going to send me to the pits of hell.   

Well, He didn’t, and as years went by, I had another child, two marriages, and a lot of soul searching.  I know God has forgiven me, and now it’s time to forgive myself.    I will be silent no more in the hopes that a mom doesn’t ever have to feel alone!


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