It is so easy to believe lies - about yourself, about life. I believed the lies that said that I was worthless and an outcast. These lies led me to search for love and belonging, for something to make me feel good. Drugs and promiscuity followed to fill these needs. I had my first child just after I turned 18. I struggled with transitioning between abusing drugs and being a mom. I struggled with the shame of getting pregnant and my past lifestyle, and the shame I brought my parents. I got pregnant again about a year later, and I became afraid. I couldn't go through this again, and my boyfriend was abusive. I had a miscarriage and kept it hidden. Then I had my first abortion about a year later. I believed that I couldn't bring another child into an abusive environment - it wouldn't be fair. I couldn't bring more humiliation to my parents or problems to my abusive boyfriend. I believed this was the only answer, that it would solve all the problems, and that I could just get on with my life. I believed this was just a bunch of cells and not yet a baby. I believed all these lies.
I only remember bits of this abortion. I really thought I was making the right decision, but I still felt this deep regret as I laid on that table. I stuffed it away. I was detached and numb. I writhed and moaned in pain, even though I was told it wouldn't hurt. It seemed to take forever. I left there feeling empty and depressed - and that never went away. It just became normal - it became me. I wanted to kill myself, but I couldn't go through with it. I just went through the motions of life.
I had my second child about a year later, right after my boyfriend left. The loneliness, emptiness, and depression led me to start going back to some old habits when my kids were with their father. I tried to rid these feelings with superficial relationships with guys who were using drugs and alcohol - old habits. This led to two more pregnancies and two more abortions. There was no way I could bring these guys or lifestyles or humiliation into my little girls’ lives, so I believed it was the only answer.
My girls were my life, and I know I loved them. But I couldn't connect with them or anyone else. I couldn't have relationships. I couldn't feel love, because if I loved, I would feel the immense pain of the abortions. So, to be able to live, I couldn't love.
For the next 30 years, I never felt any better. I changed my lifestyle and got married, but I struggled in this relationship. I could not figure out why I couldn't be happy and felt so horrible, even though I had everything: beautiful children, a great husband, a good job, a nice home. I became suicidal - 30 years after. I started having these panic attacks of sheer terror and confusion. I began getting this picture of being in an area of dark water with machinery somewhere, and I was moving toward it. I couldn't get away. I was petrified. These lasted for about a year, until I started going through counseling and healing That’s when I realized what those panic visions were. I was actually there, in the womb, in the dark water being pulled toward the machinery. The panic was terrifying. Even with these healing programs, I began getting physically sick. The panic attacks went away, but my health kept declining. I had been pushing myself beyond my capacity, driven to succeed - a workaholic and eventually becoming an alcoholic. The abortions were supposed to fix my problems and allow me to move on with my life. Instead, they pulled me into a deep abyss that held me captive for over 30 years. I hated myself, and I believed I was a monster. And, no matter how much counseling I had, I couldn't forgive myself.
But God's mercy is awesome, and He led me to a relationship with Him and to what I really needed to be able to heal. I went through prayer healing programs and then a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. I am finally starting to heal - I can forgive myself, and I don't hate myself. God helps me through my pain, and I can feel love, and it's wonderful. I feel alive with God's love. I see the truth, and this is why I am Silent No More.