I was 19 years old and a virgin. Prior to my abortion experience, I had already been exposed to bullying and hard-core pornography at age. I had been kidnapped by my mother’s ex-husband at age six and was constantly fighting the battle to overcome low self-esteem. By the time I was 19, I had managed to stay pure, but I gave in to my first real boyfriend and became pregnant the first time I engaged in sexual intimacy with him. I was happy about it, but my mother was not.
She made arrangements for my abortion without even asking me. On that dreadful day she picked me up and drove me to a clinic. She and I were the only two in the waiting room. I don't even remember seeing anyone else at all. It was very quiet. A man in a white coat came out of a room. He escorted my mom and I to a room where he instructed me to get on to the table. It wasn't until then that I even knew what was happening. It was at that moment that I think I went into shock or something. All I wanted was to be a virgin when I married and to have a family. On that day, I lost all of it. Laying on the table, I turned my face towards the wall, and I prayed silently. I said to God, "God, this is not what I want. I'm sorry." It was finished.
On the way home, I began to sob. My mother turned to me. Her expression was as though it just hit her. She hadn't even bothered to ask me what I wanted, she just assumed. She pulled the car to the side of road for a moment to gather her own thoughts while I sobbed my heart out in the passenger seat. When we arrived at her house, my boyfriend, the father of my baby, greeted me at the front door. Obviously, he and my mother planned this together without consulting me. I spent a few days on her sofa bed while she and my boyfriend waited on me hand and foot, all the while I was slipping away into a different state of being. From that day, I was never the same again.
I began to drink alcohol, smoke pot, and do cocaine. I lost my job and apartment, and the downhill spiral of my soul continued until in 2005. I attended a post abortion healing group and then again in 2017 when I completed the Surrender the Secret healing program, as well as the Leadership Training.
It's been a long hard life due to the guilt and the shame and the regret. I missed out on so much. But God is good, He does heal the broken-hearted and turn sadness to joy in our most difficult times. He has been with me my whole life, was there with me in that room, and is with me every day when regret surfaces. He understands and dries my tears.
I would like to help other women heal as well as speak out about the abortion agenda somehow, someway.