When I was 16 years old I found myself pregnant. I made the hasty decision to have an abortion out of fear of anyone knowing. Upon arriving at Planned Parenthood I was given no information about the abortion procedure. Once prepped, the doctor told me to let him know when I felt a pinch. I panicked. I had not been told there would be pain involved. They just told me they would help. I began to cry. Once the procedure began, I pleaded “it pinches, it pinches”. When I left Planned Parenthood that day, I promised myself I would never think or talk about this day ever again.
In a follow up appointment for the abortion they discovered they had not completely removed the baby and told me I would need to return for another procedure. Before the second procedure occurred, I passed the remains of my baby in a toilet. I was devastated but didn’t know what else to do but flush the toilet. I was traumatized. Not only by the procedure, but by the sight of what was left of my child.
I struggled for the next 20 years. I found myself in unhealthy relationships. I didn’t feel I deserved to be happy. Seeing a child approximately the age mine would have been stirred up deep pains within me. As quickly as the painful memories of that dreadful day would come to me, I would suppress them. I experienced guilt, shame, anger (actually rage), difficulty having healthy relationships and a divorce before finally receiving help from an abortion recovery program. It was in this recovery program that I was free to express my thoughts, fears and begin to grieve deeply the child I would never hold this side of heaven due to my “freedom to choose”. I grieved that I didn’t get to hold her little hand or hear her sing her ABC’s and later see her graduate from High School, marry and live a beautiful LIFE.
Today I deeply regret my abortion and I’m not afraid to share the truth that abortion ends a life and leaves another deeply wounded. Not only did I lose my first child to abortion, but grandchildren as this child would be 35 years old today. My family tree is forever changed.