I became pregnant as a college student in 1980. I was perched on the edge of adulthood, my whole life ahead of me. I was in a new and serious relationship with a young man and didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to shame and disappoint my parents. Those were the reasons I chose abortion.
My abortion was on my 20th birthday. I was not prepared for the pain I would experience, and the sound of the suction machine. I could see the suction canister on the table next to me. When I saw my baby go into the canister, I felt like something inside me died.
Immediately afterwards, I forced myself to shut out the reality of what had happened. I had taken care of my “problem.” Now I was going to put on a happy face and celebrate my birthday.
Over the next thirty years, I struggled with guilt, depression, and relationship problems. Despite being successful, I felt worthless. No amount of accomplishment could erase the guilt. Raising my three children, I often wondered about my aborted child. Mother’s Days were particularly painful.
My healing began when I heard the words of the 139th Psalm: “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother’s womb.....You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe.” I received forgiveness from God and my family that same day. I eventually attended a healing study called Surrendering the Secret. I worked through the grief that I had suppressed for three decades. I took responsibility for my choice to abort. Most importantly, I came to accept the freedom from the bondage of guilt that only God offers...and that is why I’m silent no more!