What I did not know on the day I went get my abortion is that when I left, not only was I going to leave without my child, but I was leaving without a part of my soul. I was leaving with a hole in myself that I did not know what to do with. So, I filled it…I filled it with regret, with self-recrimination, with self-hate, with self-loathing, with remorse, with depression, with alcohol, with bad relationships, with destructive behavior, and then I closed that hole with what I now call “indestructible cement” and sealed it shut so tight that nobody could ever break through it. I became a pro-choice advocate, because I had to be, as so many other women who have had abortions are. To not be is to admit what you have done is wrong, and to admit what you have done is wrong is to admit you made a horrible mistake and have suffered for it. I was not ready to admit that, and I was not ready to admit I was suffering.
I stayed this way for decades: hurt, depressed, sad, broken, but not truly knowing why. I never told anyone about my abortion except my husband, until 35 years later when I felt a nudge to go back to church. (God) I started going to a Bible study, I became baptized, I wanted to become a member, but then, I became afraid. I thought back to that time so many decades ago. Was I destined for hell, would the church remove me, would there be judgement? I finally decided to speak my pastor, and to this day I know it was God that led me to the church I am still at today. That day was the beginning of my healing, as he told me there is always forgiveness and healing, and he sent me to a Bible study called Forgiven and Set Free.
Forgiven and Set Free is truly what set me free after decades of pain and hurt; it is where my healing began, it is where I like to tell people God took a jackhammer to that “indestructible cement” that I had covering that hole and opened it up, cleaned out all the horrible things I had packed in there, and filled it full of light, love, healing, forgiveness, and joy. It changed my life all for the good and glory of God.
God has a mission for me now, to help other women find healing and forgiveness, to let them know there is a path out of the darkness, to be a voice for the voiceless, and to be the voice of truth in a world full of lies about the harm the abortion industry does to women.