I became pregnant, while using an i.u.d. contraceptive device. I was terrified and devastated at being pregnant. I became conflicted because of my heavy drinking. Would my child have fetal alcohol syndrome? Part of me wanted the baby. I remember the morning sickness, the food cravings, the baby's kicks. I remember wanting the baby. Giving into fear, feeling no good, thinking, "Look what you've done", I decided to have an abortion. I remember thinking this is really serious, but at the time I felt I had no choice.
Three doctors arranged for me to get the abortion in very little time. In May, l984, my boyfriend, who was not the father of the baby, dropped me off at the Civic Hospital while he went to play golf. I was asleep for the procedure. Afterwards, I was told to make sure there were no remaining parts of my dead child left in me. It was like a nightmare, but it was real.
I couldn't shake it; I couldn't get my head around it. My heart cried out from my new self-inflicted prison of death, you can't undo this. "This is not something you can make up for!" I was drowning in despair. I remember feeling very weak, small, and sad. Afterwards, I remember the horrible cramps. I felt so hollow and dead. I could find no peace, and no sleep.
Plagued by deep self hatred and self rejection, I drank excessively, into oblivion to ease the pain and depression of the abortion. Nothing worked to erase the reality that I had been complicit in taking the life of my own baby. Rather than feeling relieved that the burden of my unborn child was eliminated, I felt twisted and changed. I felt haunted.
Around the anniversary date of my abortion, I attempted to commit suicide two years in a row. By the grace of God, I survived and began a journey back to life. I surrendered to God's Love and received His Mercy and forgiveness. I returned to my childhood faith and confessed my sin of my abortion.
I am on a journey of healing which I imagine will continue my whole life. I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat, and experienced intense Spiritual healing. I was filled with peace and love for my daughter, Teresa. I overcame the fear of seeing abortion for what it really is. I had a deep need to be Silent No More for my child and all the children who have no one to speak up for them, and for my wounded sisters who fell for the lies surrounding abortion, and for the men as well, also wounded.