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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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I was a Mess and Thinking of a Way out of this Position
Katie
New York, United States

I am the only girl of four brothers and I live with mom and dad. I am always the most independent, caring, and protective sibling out of all of them. Therefore, I feel that my parents don't know what I am truly capable of. I never really was into boyfriends because I love to be on my own timing, and make my own money. 

But love can make your mind do things you never would have thought of. As I got into my last teen years, I met this boy Jeff. I loved him at first sight. I never felt that way nor thought I could feel that way towards someone. I loved his cute baby face, his dreadlocks, personality, and his family. Jeff was not the smartest, nor the wisest one but I did love him for who he truly was, a great beat maker, song writer and rapper. He strives to become a rapper and I give him 100% credit for taking something that you have to teach yourself and make it into a way of life. 

As time went on in our relationship we fought a lot due to the fact my family was white and his family is black. So my parents would fight with me, and then I would take it out on Jeff. But also the other issue was he wasn't all up to date. He needed to get his license and maybe try go to a community college for some credits, in case the rapping doesn't work. I was always driving and taking on most of the needs so I was getting upset. 

As the months went by we fought here and there but couldn't leave each other’s side. Jeff loved how we laughed and would be the funniest people around. But we both had things in common and that's why we couldn't leave each other side at times. When Jeff was a kid, he had lost his mother to cancer. And when I was 16 years old, I had lost my best friend to suicide. My best friend killed herself because she got pregnant from this kid in our school who said to Emma "If you have this child, I will kill myself." So the next day Emma went for a walk and took herself to the train tracks and ended her life. 

Three years later, here I am on the exact same day Emma found out she was pregnant, I found out as well. That week I had missed my period, my boobs were sore, and I started to get sick, so I took a test and it was positive. I called Jeff and cried the whole night, but he stayed on the phone to tell me everything was going to be okay while I cried. I couldn't tell anyone and my parents were going to KILL ME. 

We would spend the days together but I always lied to my parents to where I was going because they didn't want me to see Jeff. As I started to look for free clinics, I asked him if he wanted to come with me, and he of course said yes. I was sick of driving while I was legit sick to my stomach every day so I had gotten really mad at Jeff because I was the one who was in pain hiding from what I had done. 

During this time, my dad let me move logs for hours each day for some money because I needed to start saving and Jeff didn't have anything saved so that made me more upset. Working with my father lifting logs and trying to act normal and not pregnant and sick was the worst feeling ever. Having my hormones going crazy, hiding in my room with a big secret brought me to tears every time I woke up and went to sleep. I couldn't control my attitude and actions because I was striving for any good luck my friend Emma could bless me with up in Heaven because I thought my baby was Emma's spirit. I didn't ever want to think of abortion with this baby because I thought it was going to be a baby and this was how Emma and I were coming to a closure since her death. 

My baby father started to push me away every day. He didn't want to come to the doctors because of my attitude and he stopped answering the phone for me because he wanted to be with his friends. I was a mess and started thinking of a way to get out of this position. Run away to a maternity home and start my life? I was so sad and had no one with me now. Not my parents, not my brothers, nor my baby father. I would sit in bed every night crying to hug my mother because I needed someone. 

After keeping to myself for another 2 weeks I had told Emma's mom about the baby and she said she loves me no matter what. I decided to get the abortion pills that I paid out of pocket with no insurance so my parents wouldn't find out. I didn't want to take this path. Clearly days and another week goes by and no word from my baby’s father so I guess that was done. My mom found out and said she didn't want me to struggle and I was at the peak for the pills. I was almost going onto 11 weeks so I did take the pills. 

I was torn apart, hurt, and thought God would never forgive me and that I just killed Emma's spirit. Till this day, I can't have sex. I can't feel the same way about someone.  I just can't be bothered right now and I keep this to myself because I am trying to have God forgive me and praying every night. I hope I can help other women and that I will get a chance to show everyone that I will help them through anything and giving up is never an option.  Just maintain what we have right now and do the most for yourself. Thank you.   

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