I terminated a pregnancy in May of 2000 because the would be father was holding a loaded gun to my head. I had foolishly gotten involved with the brother of my best friend from childhood. I was in the process of moving back to the state where we grew up, he was too, and offered to help. I had a very false sense of security and automatic trust because I had grown up with this family. Have you ever had a moment of realization that someone you thought had their own light, was really only reflecting yours right back to you? It sucks the life out of you and is so insidious by the time you realize it, it could be too late.
In four short months, I let him mooch off me, seduce me, push himself on me. By the time the move was well underway the relationship was over, and I learned I was pregnant. He immediately blamed me and pushed me to "get rid of it." I said no way am I ever doing that. Over the course of the next 7 weeks his harassment, threats and intimidation was nonstop. He said he would kill me, kill the baby, and if I had the baby, he'd take the baby away from me. He had resources and connections, I did not. And no one was there to help me go into hiding or take on a legal battle.
During the move (which was a cross country drive), he even left me and my young son in Wyoming with no transportation. I have never stopped beating myself up for being so stupid and I wish like heck I could go back in time and stand up and fight back. This all happened during what was already a vulnerable time in my life and I mistakenly thought I was "safe" because it was a childhood friend. Nothing could be further from the truth!
I am also angry at how many people 'normalized' the experience. They said, it's okay, you'll get past it just like you do any bad event in life. Well, maybe some do, but I never did and carry a lot of guilt and anger. I really do want to forgive myself and others but have not gotten there yet and I am currently in search of a healing program because of this. Thank you for listening.