I WILL BE SILENT NO MORE.
Growing up, for me, was filled with uncertainty of who I was and why did God save me? I was born dead and six weeks early.
My first 25 years included verbal, sexual and physical abuse; alcoholism, mental illness, an absent father, divorce and abandonment. I longed for attention, approval and love. Mostly love.
When I was 18, I became pregnant, I had my daughter at 19. I believed she was truly a gift from God. Although I was unmarried, I was elated with happiness. I believed I was going to have a family, my family. Her father said he wanted nothing to do with her. I was crushed but did not think too much about it. I still had the vision of this big, happy family. I continued to search…….
I married when I was 22, divorced at 24. I had a miscarriage in this marriage.
I moved from Washington to San Diego and met a guy who I believed was “Mr. Right”. He would not abandon me. He would love me.
After we had been dating about a year, I became pregnant. I was thrilled! I could not wait to share this good news with him! Our family is about to have a child between the two of us, a child out of love. He had two kids from a prior marriage, full custody. I had my daughter.
He was furious with this news yelling at me “how could this have happened”? It was all my fault. Take care of it. He wrote me a check and I tore it up. I continued to hope he would change his mind.
I shared this with a few close friends. All I heard was, “how can you have another child”? You are not married how will you support two children? Your life will be so much better if you have an abortion. You are young and can always have children when you are married.
I wanted this baby, with all my heart. I was devastated by what I was hearing. I thought the father would change his mind, he did not. He stayed firm with his feelings. I felt like I had no choice but to abort.
I looked up a doctor who performed abortions in the yellow pages. I had my first appointment with him. He told me it was not really a baby it was just tissue. I was 17 weeks pregnant.
The day of the abortion, I was terrified. At 25, I went to the appointment alone. Once there I changed my mind. I told the nurse I did not want it done, she said I would be better off having the abortion. I was crying, asked her why she was not listening to me.
I was already on their procedure table, legs strapped to stirrups. The doctor came in, asked what the problem was. The nurse told him I had changed my mind, he said it was too late. I was given the injection to put me out. The baby I wanted, was sucked right out of me. I do not remember any of the time after the abortion, I blocked it out of my mind.
Shortly after my abortion, I became pregnant again, I was 26. I thought this was not possible. HOW CAN THIS BE? Birth control pills did not work. I had one abortion how could I have a second? This time I kept it to myself. I did not want to hear people telling me what to do. I did not want to hear how could I have let it happen again? I was forced to have the first one, I wanted to run, hide.
I was filled with shame, sorrow, and sadness. My “Mr. Right”, turned into “Mr. Wrong”. How could I have done such a horrible thing, I still believed it was tissue. I believed all the lies I was told. I blocked the abortions from my mind. They were hidden deep in my soul. Never to be shared. It was bad enough to have one abortion………I had two! I was filled with shame and guilt.
I was reminded almost daily of my decisions to abort. I had a lot of female problems, bleeding, cramping, severe pain. I believed it was just female problems handed down to me from the women in my family. It got much worse. I saw my doctor, they went for exploratory to see what was going on. When I woke up, my doctor informed me he had to do a complete hysterectomy. I was 27.
By this time, I had learned that the babies taken from me were more than tissue, they were formed, they were babies. My first one, 17 weeks, with formed with arms and legs, fingers and toes, 5 oz and about 5 ¼” long. At 17 weeks you start to feel the baby move.
My life was a mess. I worked 70+ hours a week. I kept busy all the time, I did not allow any time for me to think, I was running from everything.
I drank until I was numb and had no memory of what I was doing. Slept with lots of guys, searching for love, and acceptance. I took drugs to keep me going and drugs to put me asleep. I tried to hide my pain, my emptiness. To cover up my inadequacy, hopelessness and failure. I overate to try to fill the hole inside me.
The emptiness turned to hate. I hated me, I hated my life. I hated everything. I was an angry person. I wanted to escape the monster I believed I had become.
This went on for 23 years. My silence almost destroyed me. I had become ill with mental illness, I tried to commit suicide, my body was sending all kinds of alarms. My mind shut down. My heart was empty, everything fell apart.
Then GOD got to me. During this time, I was acting like a Christian. But I had not faced the decisions I had made years ago. I did not accept the forgiveness God had already given me. I thought I was a monster. How can God love me? What will people think? How can I ever reveal what I had done? Not once, but twice? All I heard was I needed to forgive myself. NONE OF THEM KNEW MY SECRET, How can they ask me to forgive?
There are so many lies associated with abortion. It won’t hurt your body, your body will be fine. It is not a baby, just tissue……..it does not have a soul, it will not feel pain, it does not even look like a baby. It is your body, you can make choices, if you had been born earlier abortion was illegal.
My darkness was brought to the light. The lies are gone. A lot of questions have been answered. I know where the anger came from. I know where the walls came from. I know where my inability to make decisions came from. I know where my inability to accept love came from. I know where my inability to give love came from. It all makes sense now. These are lies from Satan. He wants you to believe all of it. He is on your side when you make the decision to have the abortion, making you believe you are making the right choice. But after you have the abortion, he destroys you with shame and guilt.
I have asked for forgiveness. I have received forgiveness. The empty hole has been filled with love. Jesus died on the cross so our sins would be forgiven. Jesus died on the cross so I would be forgiven, they were babies, they did have a soul, they were formed, they were life.
My babies are now in heaven with Jesus. I will meet my babies one day. God has
given me a special gift of seeing my babies. They are two girls, Sara Rachael and Rebecca Lynn. I was robbed of spending time with them here on earth, but I will have an eternity with them.
I want women to know the truth. Expose all the lies. Abortion does hurt. You will not forget it. It kills. Not only the baby inside of you, but part of your soul. I want women to know that satan will shame them, he will make them incapacitated with guilt. John 10:10 (NKJ, Neilson) The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
I WILL BE SILENT NO MORE!
Psalm 30:2. Oh Lord my God, I cried out to You; and you healed me.
Psalm 91:3-4 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler, and from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler