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This Child was a Part of Me and Always will Be
Brianne
Iowa, United States

I had an abortion because I was young, barely out of high school, a teenager and was pressured into doing so by my father.  This turned out to be the absolute worst decision of my life.  I wanted so badly to keep my child and offer him/her up for adoption, but my father insisted that I, "Get rid of it."  

My first year of college included being alone and wanting to date new boys I met.  I found a guy that was interested in me in one of my courses.  We started dating.  My family seemed impressed by him.  One night he decided to bring along some alcohol.  (He was a few years older than I was and could purchase those items.)  That night I had a few drinks and then he date-raped me.  After that experience I felt so dark, dirty and alone.  I didn't want to tell my parents because I was afraid we would press charges and I would have to go to court and expose the situation to the public, so I tried to deal with this myself.  

That was a mistake.  

Afterwards I lost all self-esteem knowing that my mother wanted me to stay pure for marriage and to not sleep around before that.  I thought I'd lost it all that one bad night.  So, I started dating an old boyfriend who wasn't a good match for me, but was still interested in dating. One time we slept together.  The contraception didn't work, and I ended up pregnant.

Not knowing what to do I tried to help myself by going to a pro-life testing facility.  They did do a test, but that was all they did.  No follow-up and I didn't realize at the time that my life was going to get way worse after that day.  My friends really didn't know what to do to help, but they were there for me.

When I told my parents they were super upset.  My father told me to, "Get rid of it."  I resisted for a time.  I refused to do a pro/con list he wanted me to do, told him I'd marry this guy, told him I'd give the child up for adoption.  I tried anything and everything I could think of doing.  I tried to leave and go talk to an old teacher who my brother had said would support me, but they took my keys away.  Still being a teenager, I did not know what to do.

At that point my brothers stepped in and talked to me (and my older brother who was in favor of my father's request) convinced me that I wasn't ready for this, and I'd lose everything I had going for me. My mother went along with this too.  She called my doctor's office and asked our family doctor about my medical conditions and the situation.  He offered her some advice that in some religions it's not a baby until after 6 weeks of gestation.  All of these things eventually wore me out.  I was threatened to move out of my house, lose my car and be on my own.  I had felt I had nothing with no money or ways of fully supporting myself.  I felt extremely alone.  

The boyfriend wasn't very supportive, but he was still there at that time.  We drove around one night, and I convinced him and myself that this was the only answer.  That was the last in-person conversation I remember having with him.

What I did not realize at the time was that there is no, "Getting rid of it."  This child was a part of me and always will be.  We are eternal beings, as well as our children.  We cannot go back and undo the past, but we can only pray and ask for forgiveness and healing for the future.

I set a date to get this procedure.  My parents paid the bill and they with my brother took me to the clinic.  My mother went inside with me.  They gave me a binder explaining what would happen.  My mother said she didn't want to know, so I didn't look at the binder.  

They led me to a room.  A staffer came in and talked to me about why I wanted this procedure.  I thought I had to sell myself and I told her what I'd convinced myself was a good idea.  That this would be a burden and a court battle between families for the child, which it probably would have been as the father's mother didn't want an adoption either.

After that I do not remember much.  The doctor came in and then it is blurry.  I was in recovery for a while and my parents took me home.  Thankfully this didn't kill me, but obviously my mother was concerned for my own health and the situation.
I felt relief immediately afterwards, thinking it wasn't really a pregnancy at that time.  
Then I got depressed.  I did not know what to do with myself.  I drank, smoked and partied, which wasn't really me before that.  I also did, thank God, go on a Catholic teen weekend as a helper.  During that weekend I was able and willing to go to Confession and talk about this with a priest.  Even though he did not offer me much information I was able to get this sin off of me.

I still, to this day, suffer from that situation and I pray for healing.  I feel Jesus has allowed me to forgive all involved, especially myself.  Although I think it has been a process and I still am overprotective of my other children because of this process.
I decided long ago I would NEVER do this again and have been open to life with my husband for our whole marriage.  I have been able to counsel a few people along the way with the knowledge I gained and told them to not have this procedure.
This was the worst experience ever and I am silent no more.


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