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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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I was not Offered any Pre-Abortion Counseling
Missouri, United States

I recently turned 50. I have had many years to do nothing but think about the abortion that took the life of my unborn child. I was 18 years old and got pregnant my senior year in higher school. He was my high school sweetheart and the first person I even had sex with. Within a month of my 18th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. Literally the first or second time we had sex. I was nervous. My parents are church goers. They did not want to be embarrassed with having an unmarried pregnant teenager. 

Abortion for this child was not discussed. However, I moved in with my mother to hide from the people of the church. Although that didn’t phase me. My mother once did beg me to abort. But for this child I chose life. I had a baby girl in Oct 1990. She was mine and for while it was just her and I. I returned to my hometown and worked at a restaurant for awhile. 

My daughter was two years old. I dated one of the cooks for a while. Being stupid I failed to use protection with him. He was verbally and physically abusive. I found myself pregnant in April 1993. I will be honest I wanted this problem to just go away. I had very little money. Had one child already. I was not married. I did not want to have another child by a different partner. I just ignored it for a few weeks. Then decided what needed to be done. 

I scheduled an abortion in June 1993. I was taken to Planned Parenthood in Kansas City. The staff ushered me into an interview room. Asked a couple of questions. Given info on the vacuum type abortion. I was not offered any pre-abortion counseling. I was not made to wait to validate my decision. It was like pulling a tooth to them. I was sent to the procedure room alone. I was asked to get in the feet holders and spread my legs. I did not meet my abortionist until my legs were spread and my body was in position. 

I asked the nurse if I was making the right decision. She told me it was, based on my history and having a child already and no money, it was the best thing I could do. I was encouraged and cheered on at the decision to have an abortion. I was sedated. I then begged to see the ultrasound so I could see my baby once. They refused. I cried and cried. I tried to close my legs, but they were spread against my will. They said I was fine and continued the vacuum tube was put in my vagina and the vacuum turned on. I said I wanted to run away and save the life of my baby. They ignored me, I was semi sedated. The procedure was over pretty fast. I was still bleeding when I was taken to a recovery room. 

I was there a short period. I was sent away still bleeding, with a fever and a script for doxycycline.  I had to have a D&C at the ER the next day. As there were parts left inside me. I did eventually recover physically. The magnitude of the guilt I felt never goes away. I was convinced I would never have any more children. I felt I was being punished by God. I always seemed to get pregnant easily. After my abortion I did not. 
For many years I prevented pregnancy. Even after my first marriage I never got pregnant for 6 years. My abortion had affected my ability to get pregnant and damaged my female reproductive system. I did go on and have another child 17 years after having my only daughter and 14 years after my abortion. My two daughters are now 31 and 14. 

I had to explain this to them both and explain why their sibling had to die. I have tried to make a case against Planned Parenthood for years. Over my forced abortion and sexual assault. But I have always been dismissed. I live with the depression, mental scars and grief over my missing baby. I wonder who he would have been. What he would have become. Had I been given more time and options. Had I been able to meet e doctor before my abortion. If I had been able to see my baby, I might have fought harder and had a different outcome.


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