My mind goes blank as I try to write a testimony on the worst day of my life, because even though I am no longer in denial about my abortion it is still so painful to put the memories from that day into words.
Looking back with retrospective I now know I had an abortion because I was in deep spiritual darkness. I was so far away from the truth of God and my lifestyle, morals and values were evident of this. My identity was in culture, and I believed the lies it told me.
The biggest one being that my baby was not a baby, that she had no value as a human being, and I could choose to reject motherhood and move on with my life because my career and education were more important. I don’t remember the drive to the clinic, the conversations I must have had with my mother or even how I got to the procedure room.
Once I was there the doctor came in to greet me and did an ultrasound. I lay there on that table with my legs in the stir ups feeling the most exposed and vulnerable I ever have in my life. As the nurse put in the IV and I was staring to lose consciousness I put my hand on my stomach and stared crying and pleading sorry to my baby.
I woke up in the recovery room disoriented like If I had just woken up from a nightmare. Doctor comes in to give me the discharge papers and I head back home with my mom. I don't remember the ride back home but that night the father of the baby came to see me, and I wept in his arms, and I felt the most profound pain and despair that seemed impossible to bear.
The depression that followed my abortion was the lowest point in life until that point. The days passed and I went through the motions, but I was dead inside, desperate for it all to end already. When I could not take it anymore, I stared searching for any help I could find which lead me to Rachels Vineyard, a weekend retreat that was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. It was the beginning of my healing and my way back to God.
I was able to honor the short life of my baby and accept that even though I will never get to hold that baby in my arms, I am a mother. No words can truly convey the pain that comes with the loss of a child, but I have found peace knowing she is in Heaven and one day we will be together again.
My hope is that my words might reach a woman that’s in the position that I was in once so that she does not become a mother without a child to hold. And that is why I am Silent No More.