I was 17 when I had an abortion. I wanted nothing more than to keep my baby. I waited until I was 10 weeks to finally tell my mom because I knew she would be extremely upset with me. When I finally told her, she was absolutely furious with me she wouldn't even speak to me at first. When we finally talked, she berated me, saying I couldn't raise a child, I didn't have a car or enough money. She tried to claim I didn't even like my niece that lived with us at the time which wasn't true at all. 

I was forced into an abortion. She called the clinic with me on the phone to make sure it was set up and even at the clinic in a little room where they ask you if "you're sure", she went in there with me to make sure I said yes. She said not to look at the ultrasound they did and had them mute the sound. My voice was completely eliminated. I felt completely humiliated during the whole experience. The doctor told me I was doing the right thing because I was too young and my life would be better after but I couldn't disagree more. 

I cried while I lay on the table, I was miserable in the recovery room. Some of the nurses were cold or rude. I felt immense pain and guilt afterward, questioning how I could let myself be so silenced when it came to something so precious as the life of my own child. For the days and years to come I would suffer from extreme nightmares, increasing depression, and a relapse of my self-harm after being clean since I was 13. 

Finally, in 2021, I stepped into my church. I began finding hope and healing in God. in March 2022, I was baptized. In July 2022, I went on a women's retreat with my church, and wow! During the 5 days I was there, I found extreme healing and forgiveness, not just from the Lord, but from myself. I still think of my baby often, but I know that he is in the arms of the Lord and we will meet again in heaven. God has given me a voice to stand up and speak out. I suffered in silence for 5 years, but I am silent no more.