I had my first abortion in January 1980, 43 years ago, when I was 16 years old because I was a good girl and I didn’t want my family or friends to know that I had gotten pregnant. I had my second abortion 14 years later because the baby's father, the man I was engaged to marry, told me that the only way we could stay together was to abort the baby. I wanted the baby, but I didn’t want to lose him. He lied to me. After the abortion, he left any way.
During both abortion procedures, I was treated like I was on an assembly line that had time limits to get me and everyone else through. I was not a person. I was just a source of revenue. I was awake for both. I never saw the doctors. I only saw the nurses. The second one was so painful but there was nothing I could do.
Immediately after the first abortion, I was relieved that the unwanted, unplanned pregnancy was no longer a problem. I thought that I could get on with my life. However, that was not the case. After the second one, the long term effects were the same but the immediate effects were very different. I came home that night and wanted God to take my life. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I couldn’t face what I had done.
As time went on after the first abortion, effects manifested themselves over the years without me realizing the cause. I was very depressed. I had low self-esteem. I became an emotional eater and gained a lot of weight. I became very promiscuous. After the second one, I thought I knew what to expect but the effects were more intense. I suffered from severe depression, guilt, and regret that were overwhelming. I was affected physically. I continued to overeat to kill the emotional pain and I suffered from physical pain from the stress of carrying the guilt. Every year I remembered the dates of my two abortions, and I remembered the dates that my two babies were supposed to have been born. After I got married, I didn’t know if I could get pregnant or stay pregnant. My husband and I have two sons but had complications during both pregnancies. We also suffered three miscarriages between them. All the problems were more than likely consequences of the abortions.
I found help and forgiveness over several years. I took a Forgiven and Set Free Bible study and ten years later I took a Surrendering the Secret Bible study. During the second healing class God gave me this poem that I hope will help other women:
I was there that day you made the choice
To follow false hope and not my voice
I watched and wept as you lay in fear
And gave up the child I held so dear
I saw you pick up the bondage chains
That shackled your life to Satan’s pain
Darkness and numbness, his icy hand
Start shaping your life, not as God planned
The shame and regret, anger, and fear
Engulfing your heart, there is no cheer
My daughter, listen, it’s time the chains
Fall from your life and loose the pain
Forgiveness I give, there is no price
My cross has crushed his hand of ice
Walk from his darkness, into my light
My soft gentle voice will lead you right
Your beautiful scars will always be
The proof that my light will shine through thee
Walk now in fullness, peace, joy, and love
I love you my child, signed Jesus above
These classes changed my life. I was finally able to forgive everyone involved, accept God's forgiveness for both abortions, and forgive myself. I am truly forgiven and set free and no longer have a secret. I know that my five children Sarah Elizabeth, Maggie Jane, Grace Noel, Joseph Benjamin, and Julia Bell are in heaven and I will see them again some day. I want other women to know that God can help you trade your grief, despair, and guilt for healing