I became pregnant at the age of 18, scared and confused I went to the local Planned Parenthood to seek advice. They mislead me into believing that an abortion was the best solution, promising a quick, easy and safe procedure, and a return to my normal life. I was given no other options and left with a quickly made appointment for an abortion.
I would never meet the person about to take the life of my child; he just entered the room and without any explanation of what was going to occur began the procedure. The procedure was intensely painful, and felt exactly like what was happening I felt every bit of that abortion. As the suction violently destroyed my baby, I could only bite my lip and stare at the wall before me.
When the abortion was complete, I was led to a room where other women were recovering. Most of them weeping and moaning. As I sat there, I waited for that feeling of relief. It was over – the problem solved. But what I felt was shame. I just let a complete stranger rip my baby from my womb.
Shortly after my abortion, I became ill and developed a high fever. My mother, not knowing what I had done, took me to the emergency room where I would become admitted and given IV antibiotics for an infection, and I would remain in the hospital for over a week.
I tried to resume my life. But thoughts of that day kept haunting me. The sounds of the suction, the coldness of the room, the other women moaning. I became depressed and alcohol and drugs became my friend. I developed a promiscuous lifestyle to feel loved again and during this horrific cycle of drinking drugs and sexual sin I would have 2 more abortions.
Suicidal thoughts became regular. I hated myself. I hated what I had become. I knew I needed help or those thoughts would be a reality. I went and sat in a church and prayed to God to help me. At that moment a priest walked in. By Gods grace I reached out to him. As we talked he gave me the hope of putting my life back together. He became my confessor and spiritual guide.
He later revealed to me that I was an answer to his prayers, because he prays for women who have had abortions to come back to the church to find healing and peace. This journey of healing would eventually lead me to a Rachel’s vineyard retreat where I experienced God’s great mercy and forgiveness. I left there no longer bound by my past sinful actions. I was able to forgive myself and importantly acknowledge and grieve my children. John Michael, George Steven, and Mary Elisabeth