Some of you will undoubtedly identify with this testimony, some may find it upsetting and others may simply retain the information, sensing there will be a time and a place when it will be useful.
For the first 15 years of my life, I lived in a small town in eastern Ontario. My family (Father, Mother and I) attended the United Church of Canada, and I certainly would have considered myself a Christian, although when asked, I would say I was a Protestant. In our community, there were only two churches; the other was Roman Catholic. I did not have any great understanding of other denominations. I simply knew there were Catholics and Protestants, and I was aware of the Anglican church, because my mother was raised Anglican and I was baptized, as an infant, in her family church in Toronto.
I can honestly say I do not remember a single sermon taught in all my years in the United Church. There are probably many reasons for this, but I believe the primary one is that our family did not have solid biblical foundations; the Bible and Jesus were just reserved for Sunday. I knew right from wrong; I had even learned the Ten Commandments, but they were simply words to me, because we never talked about spiritual things at home.
Then in May of my 15th year, my father died suddenly while out of the country on a business trip. This news was devastating for my mother and I. I had been going through a rebellious stage, especially with my father. In my "humble" opinion, my parents both knew nothing; I knew it all. Although I obeyed them, I talked back all the time. I was well aware of the pressure this placed on Dad, in particular. I realized how much he loved me and the stress between us was particularly heavy the day he left on this trip. I told him, I hoped he would not get sick while he was away, as he had stomach troubles, which often flared up when in a foreign country. It was my way of trying to tell him I cared. However, my mother saw it differently, and said, "What an awful thing to say?" Adolescence is hard; even when we attempt to do what is right, it often turns out badly. Today, I can see the results of my rebellion. I could blame my behaviour on hormones, but really, I just failed to submit to the delegated authority God had placed in my life, in my parents, teachers and others.
When we heard about my Dad, the first words out of my mouth were, "It’s all my fault". You see, he had died of a cerebral hemorrhage and these are frequently triggered by psychological pressure. My Dad was a Type A personality anyway, but I felt certain I had contributed to that pressure. I’m aware today that I’m not responsible for his death, but I still feel sad when I think about the time we lost because I was too proud to submit to his authority. I’m emphasizing this point because of any young people who may be reading this testimony; I hope you will read these words and learn respond to those God places in positions of Delegated Authority in your lives. God gives us many good gifts, including free will, but it’s not meant to be abused. We still are required to go to Him and those He places over us to seek advice and counsel before we step out on our own.
Well, what I did next was my undoing. When I say we lived in a small community, I mean small. There were no more than 500 families, so we all knew each other quite well. On the day we received news of my father’s death, our minister called on us, but he never returned. As a result, of what I interpreted as lack of concern, I rejected the church, although I have often been quick to say I did not reject God. That was a lie of the enemy. I had rejected the church, - His Body, His hands and feet on earth, and so I had rejected Him. Always independent, I figured I’d be okay on my own. I didn’t need them. Just me and Jesus would work; but I was very wrong - we do need each other. The only real saving grace for God in my life came through the local Roman Catholic priest. He was a great support to my mother, even though we were not Roman Catholic. His ministry went beyond his denomination into the lives of all the people in his parish. Because of him, I realized God was still to be trusted, but I did not have a strong or deep enough understanding of scriptures to guide me at that time. When I walked away from the church, I came out from under the spiritual authority (good or bad) that God had put in my life. Now, I began my walk in rebellion, alone.
In the New Testament (Acts 6: 1 – 3), you can read about how the early church was concerned for the orphans and widows. They recognized that without the covering of the church, women and children were vulnerable to attacks by the enemy and society. Well, this is where my mother and I found ourselves, and the door opened wide for Satan to come into our lives.
Within a couple of weeks of my father’s death, I lost my virginity, while searching for the missing love and spiritual cover in my life. I bought the lie, "If you love me, you’ll …" This is one of the enemy’s favorite lies. He counts on us buying this and forgetting God loves us unconditionally. God, the Father, never bargains with us; He just loves us, no matter what. We don’t need to do anything in particular in order to receive His love.
By losing my virginity, I gave the enemy an inch but he took far more than the proverbial mile. He sent in every weapon he had at his disposal to blind me and deafen me to the truth, which God places in each one of us from the moment of conception. Without being told, we all know what acts are socially unacceptable, including premarital sex, theft and murder, but when the enemy is allowed to penetrate the innate protection God gives us, we are liable to do almost anything without thinking.
Following my father’s death, my mother and I moved to a large metropolitan area. I got involved in a youth group at a local Anglican Church with some school friends, which provided social support system, but not a spiritual one. I don’t recall ever meeting the priest. So, I continued without spiritual cover and no positive male influence in my life.
Without guidance or counseling to help me, I eventually fell into a long-term sexual relationship by the age of 17. The young man and I were serious about each other and dated for almost a year before we were intimate, but once it happened, it didn’t stop. We had rationalized our involvement because we planned to marry once I graduated from college.
Unfortunately, even with the use of birth control, I found myself pregnant in my last year of high school, in the midst of exams. My boyfriend suggested that we marry, but I didn’t not want to be labeled "one of those girls" who had to get married. To me, in my pride, fear and self-absorption, there was only one solution. I would end the pregnancy.
The year was 1969 and abortions were illegal in this country. Many girls went to England for the procedure, while others were able to find a doctor who would make a house call. The only other alternative was a back street abortion …. Fear of the latter method and my own self-preservation kicked in, and I went to my mother about my situation. She was shocked, but prepared to support whatever decision I made. Once again, there was no one to provide the spiritual cover in our lives, to guide us. My mother brought a friend into the equation who knew about the English solution, and also had contacts to get hold of an MD. We finally settled on using a local doctor. Because abortions were illegal, doctors could lose their license and go to jail if caught. As a result, the contact advised us that the doctor would arrive sometime within a set number of days, but we would not know exactly when. Within a couple of days, there was a knock at the door.
The doctor injected a saline solution into my uterus, provided us with warning signs, and left. Then, I waited. I won’t go into the details of what this procedure does to the fetus; you can find this out for yourselves. Suffice it to say if I had known, I do not believe I would have gone through with it. But, I had been very carefully taught in sex education class that at this stage of pregnancy, the fetus is just a few unidentifiable cells, simply a bit of tissue, without conscience, unable to sense or feel. Some responsibility does lie with the school system, my mother and the doctor for my lack of information, but I must accept responsibility for never asking them and for the ultimate decision. Within 48 hours, I had aborted the fetus, and I was free to get on with my life. Cold and heartless, wasn’t I? Without solid biblical teaching, I did not have the scriptures from Isaiah 49, Psalm 139 and Jeremiah 1 to provide the guidance I needed. These scriptures tell us that God knew us even before we were formed in the womb and He has plans for us.
Without spiritual cover and support, the relationship I had with that young man soured, and went from bad to worse, even though we were engaged. About 1½ years later, I broke off the engagement.
The door I opened to the enemy allowed many harmful things to enter my life including a growing interest in Eastern mysticism, psychic experimentation, and a fascination with the occult; I even belonged to an occult book club. You see one sin begets another. Without confession, repentance and forgiveness, sin can live and breed in us.
From the time I broke up with that young man, until I met my first husband, I had several sexual encounters. I was totally blinded about this being wrong and sinful; I was living in the world, in a society preaching free love. The results of that Societal Lie are evident all around us today; broken marriages, children raised with no fathers, countless abortions, amorality rampant in our culture, random, senseless shootings in schools, and swarmings by teens resulting in deaths.
After graduating from college in 1971, I met an old friend from high school and we started dating. A year later, we were married. During our courtship, we maintained an active sexual relationship, which allowed even more opportunity for Satan to influence my life. It is interesting that before we married, our relations were good; afterwards they fell apart. My husband, who I loved, repulsed me. My family doctor suggested these feelings were rooted in the stress of a new marriage, but that wasn’t it. I’d entered into our marriage with spiritual attachments to other men. I had repeatedly broken the instruction from God's word that sexual relations before marriage are a sin. I did not heed the scripture that states a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined with his wife and they will be as one flesh. Although my first relationship was outside marriage, I had joined with a man and each relationship that followed was an act of adultery. Today, I am free of those attachments and I realize spiritual virginity can be re-established. To accomplish this, we must cut the soul ties to the previous relationships, repent for our sin and ask God to forgive us. If we do this, we are able to be one flesh with our spouse when we marry. Otherwise, we bring with us emotional and spiritual baggage from all of our previous relationships, baggage that gets stimulated with each sexual encounter.
My husband and I experienced a very difficult time with intimacy. I thought it was fear of pregnancy, so we kept trying new birth control methods. However, the stress never left. Just think about it. Every time, we made love, every man I had known was there in the bed with us. Talk about emotional and spiritual confusion.
During our first year of marriage, researchers had brought out the IUD for birth control and my doctor thought this might be a good alternative for me. She made an appointment with a gynecologist and I had one installed. That was on a Friday; the next day we were away at a wedding and the Saturday night, we made love. I cannot explain to you in words exactly what I experienced that night, but I can tell you, I knew I was pregnant, the instant it happened. Today, I believe God had given me the opportunity to feel Him breathing life into my womb at the moment of conception. Looking back, I realize how awesome an experience God had provided for me - to feel life being created in me! Unfortunately, so much spiritual blindness existed in me, I once again, thought only of myself and did not recognize what had actually occurred.
Well, my husband and I were not in a good financial position, as if this matters to God. However, we never considered Him in the equation. The Ten Commandments were still only some good ideas I had learned about when I was a kid. They certainly did not apply to this situation. My doctor gave us six weeks to decide whether or not to terminate the pregnancy. The IUD could be removed safely within that time frame without harm to the baby. Once again, I led the way – out from under the headship of my husband, who wanted to go through with the pregnancy. With my decision, I allowed the Spirit of Feminism into my life. Here is a prime example of "it’s my body and I can do what I want with it". Although abortions were now legal, hospitals usually required the signature of both parties. But my husband never signed, and a D & C ended the pregnancy. Again, I will not go into the details of what happens to a fetus with the procedure, but it is horrific to say the least. While waiting outside the operating room, the surgeon arrogantly spoke to me and asked me if I had taken care of a birth control method following the abortion. I assured him that I had. Today, I wish instead of attitude, he had given me information. However, he didn’t, and once again, I accept the responsibility for murdering my second child.
As for my marriage, we stayed friends and lived together but over the next 5 years, we drifted apart emotionally. Finally, we separated and divorced a year later.
In the last year of my first marriage, my interest in personal development, New Age Philosophy and the psychic led me to take a course on the subject. Through the program we were taught a "new spirituality", one I believed was the truth, one that seemed to incorporate God and Jesus. It spoke of us as "gods in the making" and in ways co-creators with God and equal to Him. A relationship developed between the instructor and I and we were married in a couple of year later. Through the first 12 years of our marriage, we worked in the New Age field, believing we were doing God’s work, but in truth, we now know we were worshipping "other Gods", and the good that came of our work was credited to us, not our heavenly Father.
Although you've read a lot about the results of my sin, there are more far-reaching effects for me to share. When I married my second and current husband of 21 years, he was prepared to attempt to reverse his vasectomy, if I wanted children. He’d had his family, four children in total. I cried myself to sleep several nights thinking about what to do, and finally decided it best that we not try. And so resulted another decision I regret. Once again, I believe Satan had such a firm hold on me that I was incapable of making a sane decision.
Finally, after 35 years out of the church, we made a decision to return to the Body of Christ through the Anglican Church, and began to seriously pursue an interest in healing prayer, much to the disapproval of our parish priest. We were babes in terms of the church; politics, the charismatic movement, renewal and all that had been taking place in the seventies and eighties. Moreover, we were babes in terms of knowing the Biblical foundations for what we felt called to do. We thought we could pursue our previous work under the cover of the church. We were both blind to the truth about what we had been doing, unaware of the sin we committed with our work. Today, we realize the work we were involved with was satanic and a counterfeit of the real gifts of the spirit. In Matthew 7: 21 - 23, we are warned by the Lord himself that many will prophesy and cast out demons in His name, but He will say, "I never knew you". My husband and I were such as these, acting out of rebellion and our own flesh, claiming to know Jesus, but unsubmitted to God.
However, I want you to know that through all these years of traveling that twisted path; God had his hand on us. We were both baptized and confirmed in the church, so we were His. We were simply, unknowingly walking in rebellion. There’s that word again - "Rebellion". How often it slips into the deep, dark hidden crevices of our lives, like a slithering, silent serpent.
Although we were now in the church, we never received any teaching about spiritual cover and authority. To us, our priest was just the guy who preached and gave us communion. About 3 years after our return to the church, through some, God-lead circumstances, we were drawn to a large independent Charismatic church. Although that church has a goodly number of its own problems, I will be forever grateful for the life we found there and the healing God started within me.
We became involved with the prayer team, which provided opportunity for a lot of good Bible based teaching. Over the years, we were there, we learned about authority, confession, repentance and the power of forgiveness. I came to realize the sin in my life, and acknowledged this to my husband and myself. However, during the first couple of years, I never shared my story with anyone else; I feared rejection for the horrible sin in my life. During some special Christian Counseling training sessions, each person underwent personal ministry for healing the emotional scars in their lives. During one of the teaching sessions, the instructor shared information about abortion; he called a spade, a spade and murder, murder. Using real life examples from his counseling practice, he spoke of what we reap when we sow seeds of abortion. His teaching caused me to reflect on the two men with whom I had become pregnant. I learned that by not forgiving them and not forgiving me, we had set up circumstances in which the enemy could operate. God tells us in Exodus 20: 5 about punishing the children for the sins of the fathers. My boyfriend from high school married about a year after we broke off our engagement. Subsequently, he had three children. The first was a little girl born with spinabifida. She was apparently a beautiful and bright child, but she had no spine and died at the age of eight. Knowing him, he would have been devastated. In the second case, my first husband had two sons, the first was born with a cleft pallet and had to undergo some horrendous surgery to correct the problem. The Lord revealed to me during prayer and ministry time, that these birth defects were a direct result of our lack of repentance and forgiveness. For me personally, I reaped an empty womb; I was never to bear any children.
During the prayer ministry, the Lord brought me to the place where I released both men, and I pray that God in His mercy will free those four boys from any reaping in their lives. The Father also gave me two special gifts. He brought to my remembrance a dream 10 years before, in which I am sitting in an empty theatre waiting for a play to start. Into the theatre comes a beautiful blond-haired girl, she comes over to me and climbs up on my lap. Back then, I thought she was the daughter of a friend, but God revealed that she was my first aborted child. When I awoke from the dream, I could hardly speak. When my daughter put her arms around me, I felt the most powerful love I have ever experienced in my life. In the ministry time, she told me she loved me; she was okay because she with the Father, and she forgave me. The second gift from God was a vision of my second child - a dark-haired handsome boy, who definitely bore a family resemblance. He also spoke words of forgiveness to me. During the ministry session, I was encouraged to name my children. The Lord told me their names: Jessica and Aaron. Over the months following that ministry time, many people spoke to me about the spiritual children God was going to bring into my life, and He has been faithful in this. He gave me the scripture from Isaiah 54: 1-3 which speaks of barren women being even more fruitful than married women. Although I was married, I feel this word was given to encourage me, to let me know that now He could use me to nurture children of any age who needed to know a mother’s love.
You see, even though three of my second husband’s children lived with us for a number of years, I never felt I could or should, be a mother to them. They had a real mother; I didn’t want to interfere in that relationship. I now realize the error of my assumptions back then. They needed a mother, and a second mother would have been better than another friend. I did them no favour by pulling back from this relationship. Once again, I see how spiritual blindness led me to make ineffective choices, and I have repented of this decision.
My choice to abort the lives God placed in me, led me over and over to abort relationships, like my husband’s children, careers I dreamed of and numerous creative projects that I recognize as inspirations from God. The rebellion in my life and the spirit of abortion held me firmly in its grip. Although I had repented, been forgiven by my murdered children and by my brothers and sisters in Christ without any judgment, guilt and fear still plagued me. I seemed unable to let go and get on with my life. Intellectually I knew I was forgiven, but my heart remained heavy.
Then, a few months ago, my priest shared with me from a book called REQUIEM HEALING. In their book, John Mitton and Russ Parker talk about the power of the Requiem Healing Mass – a mass or communion for the dead. The authors had both witnessed powerful releases in the lives of those who had been unable to separate themselves from loved ones who had passed away by using this sacrament. What spoke directly to me were the references to requiem masses done for children lost through miscarriages and abortions. Mitton and Parker discovered that complete emotional healings took place when parents named their unborn children, and released them to the Lord during these Eucharists.
When I heard about this, I got very excited. I knew I needed a requiem mass for my two children, to acknowledge their lives – they were very real. In addition, I needed to confess that I did not simply end a pregnancy, but I murdered two helpless souls. My priest prayed and received confirmation to give the sacrament.
About a week later, I had an appointment for a job interview. My priest had called me the night before and said, "I’ll be at your place at 7:00 a.m. to do the Requiem Mass". The Lord had quickened in him the need to do this before I went for the interview. Following the Eucharist, I drove to the interview praising the Lord, singing and praying in the Spirit, feeling a new freedom. From that day to this, I can honestly say that most of the random fears that often plagued me are gone. I have no more fear of man, only a healthy fear and awe of God. I have learned how submission to God's authority and to the delegated authority in my life brings freedom, not control. In this new place in my life, I walk in the gifts with which God had graced me, learning afresh each day to listen and obey Him. When I need to make choices and decisions, I seek His input or that of His delegated authority in my life. If I act otherwise, I will plant more seeds of rebellion, which can only produce more bad fruit.
Through confession, repentance, and forgiveness sealed with the body and blood of Jesus, I received the final release from those sins birthed in rebellion. Today, I know I am a sinner but I also know I am a Beloved Child of the Most High God, I have 2 children safe with Him in heaven and He has a plan to use my life and testimony to help bring healing to others. He has blessed me with four stepchildren and six grandchildren, and He has brought many spiritual children into my life. My first spiritual daughter is a particular blessing. Her background of pain, maternal rejection and abuse, drew me to her 5 years ago at a conference. The Lord used me to speak healing words into her life and we have been connected ever since. She often calls me 2 or 3 times a week, to talk, seek advice, discuss her spiritual journey, and it is no coincidence the path she is traveling mirrors in many ways my own.
Though I still experience tears of regret over not having my own physical children to hold and with whom to share my life, I no longer feel the painful emotions caused by my sin. I praise the Lord for what He has done; through Him, I am healed and victorious. To Jesus be all the Glory. AMEN.