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I Never Spoke a Word About What I had Done
Shelli
Oklahoma, United States

I was newly married, my second marriage. We had two 2 year old children between us. Additional children were not supposed to happen. I was on birth control pills to prevent that from happening. We had just relocated to another state to start new jobs and life wasn't going smoothly when I found out I was pregnant at nearly 15 weeks. I lied about how far along, I could be because I knew that another child wasn't in the cards.

I waited 2 weeks to tell my husband out of fear and I was not sure that we were going to remain married anyway. He was not happy and when I told him I wanted to end the pregnancy, he was ambivalent, so I sought an appointment at clinic and since I was married, my husband had to sign a consent form, which he willingly did. By the time I could get an appointment I was barely 20 weeks but that was too far by law so I lied about my last period date. There were no ultrasounds in those days so only God knew the truth.

There were 2 appointments for the procedure. I was numb and didn't really take time to understand what I was doing. There were no prevalent campaigns to stop abortion where I was. My church never talked about it. There was no social stigma attached to abortion at that time. I was selfish and didn't want to deal with 2 children in the event of a divorce.

Three months later because I was not allowed to abstain from sex, I found myself pregnant again! Nothing had changed in my marital situation, in fact it was worse.  We were back in our home state of Oklahoma and living with family because jobs were not available. I contacted the clinic in OKC to make an appointment, urgently because I didn't want to have to lie about how far along I was. The length of time it took to set things up and make travel arrangements put me past the legal time frame so I lied again. My husband again, had to give his consent for the "procedure", which he was willing to do. 

We traveled 256 miles to the clinic for the first of two appointments. I spent a very painful night in a motel and didn't once think about what I was doing, I just wanted to get it over with. Something happened after the procedure that would mark me for life. The canister full of severed baby body parts was left in the room when the doctor and nurse left. I sat up and saw what I had done. I screamed and screamed until someone came in the room. They quickly removed the canister and called my husband to come get me. They just wanted me gone. 

From that moment, for 36 years I never spoke a word about what I had done. I lied on every medical form asking how many pregnancies I had. But it was always there. It caused problems with relationships with my children, there was no closeness. My husband and I, now married 42 years, have struggled with indifference and no intimacy, we just go through the motions daily. I struggled with self-hatred and feelings of anger and bitterness as part of my standard of living. I became strongly against abortion but never explained why until I was sitting alone in front of the TV one Saturday night and a movie came on. 

October Baby changed everything and God started to work on me. I went to church the next morning sobbing. I confessed to a mentor for the first time what I had done all those years before. She held me and told me that My babies were safe in the arms of Jesus, and they wanted to meet me someday. She assured me that by confessing my selfish and horrible sins to her and taking it to God by rebuking the atrocity and repenting honestly that even something so horrible was forgiven.  

Six months later I was baptized for the first time and felt clean like never before.  I was more forthright about Mu anti-abortion stance but still didn't give my testimony to anyone. A year later I had an opportunity to go through 7 weeks of spiritual Triage, during which Jesus healed the hurt places in my past associated to my 2 abortions. He set me free from the pain and guilt that I had been carrying around for nearly 4 decades. 

I have privately given my testimony to several people, but I knew that I needed to figure out what God wanted me to do with my experience.  I ran across the Silent No More website one day about 2 years ago, I wasn't ready to step out because my healing was so fresh and I knew that I needed preparation that only God could provide before it was time. 

Our church started a Bible College and the Lord told me that I needed to attend. During the last year and a half, I have learned the need for and the commandment to perform acts of healing and deliverance for those hurting and wanting freedom.  I am mobilizing myself to step out when God says "Go, it's time".  There are some logistical stumbling blocks and issues in my life that God is working out to allow me the time and financial support to move into full-time abortion ministry. I trust my Lord to work all things out for my good and His amazing Glory!


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