"Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."—Psalm 23:4a

Have you ever been there? Have you ever been to the valley of death? Have you ever felt all alone and that the world was out to get you? The Lord God Almighty knows that I have.

"1 How long, O Jehovah? wilt thou forget me forever? How long wilt thou hide thy face from me? 2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, Having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?"—Psalm 13:1-2

Have you ever wondered of God knew you existed at all? Everything seems to go wrong and you don’t know where it started. Some of it is your fault and some of it is through no fault of your own. I’ve been there too.

I’ve also been in so much pain and so much heartache that death looked like the only option available. The pain seemed never ending. I was hurting so much that I thought I had always lived with pain.

I guess I should start at the beginning....

I have good parents. My mom and dad were together up until about 5 years ago and by then I had been out of the house for years. They lasted over 25 years somehow. I had a good childhood. I played every sport that I had time for: softball, basketball, track, horseback riding, clogging. I even took some gymnastics and I think I took one or two ballet lessons (I quit because they made me wear pink). We took vacations twice a year, a summer vacation and a winter skiing vacation. I’ve had the privilege of going places that most people just dream of.

My mom is Jewish. My dad is Confused. We had Christmas and Chanukah (that adds up to 9 days of presents!). God was not really talked about in our home. I wasn’t "raised" in church. I don’t remember hearing the name of Jesus until I was in high school. It was my junior or senior year. I tried to read the Bible as a kid but I started at the beginning and got stuck in the lineage chapter...."so and so begat so and so begat so and so...." Who doesn’t get stuck there?

Anyway, I was a good kid, made good grades, didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, I think the worst thing I did was break curfew and disrespect my parents (I definitely regret the second one). I had a boyfriend all the time (it wasn’t the same boy but I always had a boyfriend).

.... I thought I had the flu, so I went to the doctor. He told me I was pregnant. Me?!? Pregnant?!? How could that be? I was on the pill and we had used condoms! Pregnant and alone. I was S-C-A-R-E-D!!! I wasn’t through with college and I had finally gotten rid of the guy. My parents wouldn’t help me. I didn’t want to go on welfare. What was I supposed to do? I just couldn’t have a baby right now. I didn’t know a thing about raising a child. How dare God allow this to happen to me!?!

Some old high school friends told me about this clinic in downtown Big City USA. One of them had been and she didn’t regret a thing. I found out I was pregnant in October 1995. I was already 2-3 months along. I visited the clinic in December 1995, during Christmas break so that none of my roommates would be there. I was 4-5 months along. I made the WORST decision of my life that day. I had an abortion. Abortion is just a nice word for murder. I M-U-R-D-E-R-E-D my own child that day. The nurse put me to sleep and the doctor vacuumed my baby right out of my body.

After the surgery, I laid on the couch in the living room of the apartment for a week. Our apartment was a three-story townhouse and my bedroom was on the top floor. The living room was on the 2nd floor with the kitchen. I could lay in my bed and not eat for a week or I could lay on the couch and crawl to the kitchen and the bathroom. I bled so much I hoped I was dying. I finally crawled up to my room and my bathroom and took a shower, then put on the carefree face and went home for Christmas.

After that, life kind of blurred together. I was a lifeless zombie. I went to class, I went to work, and I went out with my friends. I got pregnant again. I had another murder operation done. This one was in February 1996. Zombie mode took over again. I didn’t care about a thing. I didn’t care about school, work, friends, family, nothing. I didn’t care. I was a walking, talking heartache. My heart hurt so much it was numb. The pain was so overwhelming that sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I would have nightmares, constantly. I felt used. Abandoned. Ugly. Unwanted. Unloved. Uncaring. And don’t let anyone tell me about God...He’s the One who allowed all of this to happen to me, right?!?

All I wanted was for all the pain to end. I wanted to die. I would walk around downtown college town after midnight by myself, knowing there was a serial rapist in the area. Why? I don’t really know. Would the pain ever end? That is when I met Brian. Was he an angel? No, not quite but he did impact my life. He became my newest boyfriend. He had grown up in church. He told me he wouldn’t marry anyone who didn’t go to church, so I gritted my teeth and went to church. He started telling me about the guy named Jesus. I started telling him about a girl named me.

The more I told him about me, the more he told me about Jesus. The girl who was unlovable....Jesus wanted to love her. The girl who was dying inside...Jesus wanted to make her alive! The girl who had done the most detestable thing a human can do.....Jesus wanted to forgive her and forget that it ever happened! The girl whose heart was broken beyond recognition....Jesus wanted to put it back together and make it brand new.

Brian gave me a Bible for my birthday, September 1996. I started reading it again. Only this time I was in the New Testament somewhere. Eventually Brian stopped going to church with me. I went anyway. Eventually Brian and I broke up; I went to church anyway. I couldn’t get enough of this Jesus person and I had a lot of questions that needed to be answered. There was a college group that met on Wednesday nights; I started going to that. There’s church on Sunday nights? I started going to that.

One night after the college thing on Wednesday, I went to the library to study, only I couldn’t focus. I read the same page over and over and over again. I couldn’t focus. I just sat there staring at the page; it was then I heard it. I heard it just as clear as I hear the keys on the keyboard taping. I heard a voice in my heart say, "It’s time, Heather, it’s time." I didn’t even hesitate. The best way I knew how and as much as I could remember I prayed! I said, "God, I’m a horrible, wretched person who has done unthinkable things. Can You and will You forgive me? I know that You told Jesus to die for me, I’ll never understand that, but I believe it. I hate my life please change it. I hate myself please change me. I need You and all that You are. Please live in me. Amen"

October 1996, the old Heather started fading away and the new Heather is still being shaped. I had finally found peace. I finally had a dream instead of a nightmare (I’ll tell you about the dream some other time). I finally didn’t need a guy to "complete" me. I quit smoking and drinking on the spot and never had withdraw. I quit cussing and sleeping around on the spot. I started studying my Bible and going to everything the church offered. I started smiling and laughing again. I started living for the first time. I learned that the pain fades when you give it to Him. I also learned that when you give up the old, He replaces it with new and better! I’ve walked through the valley of death and I didn’t just survive, I came out more alive than I have ever been!

October 2004 will have been 8 years since I met Jesus and asked Him into my heart and to be Lord of my life. Not once, not ever have I regretted that decision! My only regret is that I didn’t meet Him earlier in my life. What has He done in my life since then? We don’t have time to talk about that tonight. I’ll tell you that part some other day, but I promise it’s better than anything I could have dreamed up for myself!!!

"You ask me how I know He lives? He lives within my heart."  "5 But I have trusted in thy loving kindness; My heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. 6 I will sing unto Jehovah, Because he hath dealt bountifully with me."—Psalm 13:5-6

I am totally not making this stuff up. I still remember this dream as though it happened last night....

As I said in the previous really long entry, I had been having nightmares for a long time or I wasn’t sleeping at all. That all changed the night I asked Jesus to come into my heart and change my life forever. That very night, Wednesday, when I finally fell asleep....I had a dream. In this dream I was standing alone in what appeared to be a field of smoke (the kind that doesn’t choke you but swirls around) or "clouds" maybe, anyway, everything was white.

Movement caught my eye so I looked up to see what it was. It was then that I saw Him. It was a Man dressed in all white walking towards me. He had long white hair and a long white beard, all of it straight as a board. As He got closer to me, I noticed that He was carrying a bundle in His arms. The closer He got the more details I could see and I looked into His eyes. His eyes were filled with love, more love than I had ever seen in all my life. His face seemed to radiate calm and peace and love. Needless to say, compared to the nightmares I had been having, I wasn’t afraid of this Man or what He might do.

He stopped in front of me no more than 2 feet away. When He stopped I tore my eyes from His face and looked closer at the bundle He was carrying. Something about it had captured my attention. Then I saw it! The bundle was a baby! "Oh, how cute!" I thought. After my first reaction, the Man tilted the baby towards me a little and I looked a little closer and that is when it hit me! I felt as though I had been hit in the stomach by an 18-wheeler, going 90 to nothing on the Interstate! That was MY baby. The most beautiful baby I have ever seen! I couldn’t breathe and I looked back up into that peaceful face with one question on my heart, why had He done that? Why did He bring my baby out here? Did He do it to torture me for the wrong I had done? No, He didn’t look like He was enjoying this moment of unspeakable pain for me.

It was then I heard it. I heard Him speaking even though His lips never moved, I knew it was Him, just like I knew it was Him in the library telling me it was time. This is what He spoke directly to my heart, "My Heather, since you have accepted My Child into your heart and life, you WILL get to see your children when you get to heaven." With that said and with tears in His eyes, He walked away and I woke up from the first good night’s rest I had had in years with peace in my heart.

As a Bible ignorant, apologetics ignorant, theology ignorant BABY in the faith, I ALWAYS knew that my babies were in heaven and that GOD HIMSELF watches over them.

I will not tell you what to think or how to "interpret" this dream, I will simply say this...the Man was God, that was really my baby, and I am forgiven. After I see my Lord God and my Lord Jesus, when I get to heaven, I get to see my babies!

PS—I have never had another dream like that ever again. I have no idea if the baby was a boy or a girl. (I usually get asked that.)

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a WRETCH like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see. Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed!"

Love in Christ,

HG

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