Vinney's Story
I am now married to the father of my unborn baby, and have been for 27 years. I started dating him New Year's Eve 1975. I was 18, and we've been together ever since. I got pregnant only a few weeks after we started dating. I had had a previous miscarriage at age 15.
I was going to a women's health clinic, because I was poor (unemployed). I had had an IUD for a year or more, and did not like it, and had it removed at said clinic.
Soon after, I was pregnant. My now husband said that I had to have an abortion. (My father was an alcoholic whom I hated at the time, was still living at home with my parents, w/much younger brothers I was practically raising. I didn't see how I could continue to live in a hell w/my family, and bring a baby into that mix). My parents are Catholic (I was nonpracticing at the time). I knew abortion was wrong, but I heard all the lies, "it's only a clump of tissue." Boy, do we know SO much more 30 some years later!!! I guess I didn't trust myself or my parents enough to tell them, and get their input; of course, they would have chosen LIFE!
My (now) husband, new boyfriend at that time had socially higher up family than I. They looked down on me because I was married at 16, and by 18 was getting divorced; I was not divorced while dating their son. My husband said to me, at 18 years of age, "you have to have an abortion. If you think my mother hates you now, she will NEVER accept you if you have my baby." He said if I had had a child when he met me, he Never would have dated me!! Apparently, I had a deep desire to be accepted, even loved by his parents. Boy have I let that go. That was not the issue, nor very important at that time, but I was too young to see that fact. The issue was 'legalized murder' versus standing up for my helpless innocent baby - whom secretly I REALLY wanted. I have dreamed of being a mom most of my life. Interestingly, that is one of the ways my now husband courted me - with pregnancy and birth books.
I also got chicken pox from my little brothers while pregnant, and had a high temperature. I had heard that is the kind of disease that causes birth defects. I'm sure you can tell, I did not trust in God.
The clinic planned the abortion for me, told me where to go with my money. The murder was scheduled. I was 3 months pregnant. My heart felt remorse, so I went to the clinic (no one was there, it was an off day). One woman was there, an employee, and I told her "I think I've changed my mind about having an abortion." She turned to me, and said with such callousness and viciousness and anger, "don't be a martyr!!" Oh My Dearest God, if only a kind hearted person had been there that day, I would have my 26 year old child with me now.
I never told a soul. When I went home after, they had said to take it easy, rest, no working. I stayed in a downstairs bedroom, and kept the curtains drawn. It was as black inside my soul as it was in that room. I think I was in shock. I felt so alone, an echoing aloneness; I knew something major had been done to my life. But I supported a woman's right to choose (what an awful laugh - no one has a right to chose murder). Maybe 15+ years went by, and I was in counseling for depression, and told the counselor, who I later learned was a priest, who said "you haven't told ANYbody?? You've kept this in your heart all alone for all this time. You need to tell someone." I followed his advice right away, and told a Catholic co-worker whom I felt close to at that time, and when I did, I cried absolutely hysterically. A river of tears - right there in the work place. She understood, and did not abandon me, which surprised me. Very recently, I told my mother. (Strangely, both my brothers' had girlfriends who chose to abort their babies, and of course did not tell anyone, or talk it over with our parents, the potential grandparents!!! ????)
I am missing something major. I am a mother without a baby. I will NEVER get over what I have done. I finally confessed this sin to a priest in 1996, after being away from the Church for 20+ years. I am a very devout practicing Catholic, who obeys the Church, and trusts in God, and I hang on every word of the Pope. But I am broken, a mess. I actually have had an incurable disease for 20 years now. I need to make up with penance for what I have done; I guess this disease is what God has chosen for me.
I thought recently of telling his mother about our baby (something like "you've never met your first grandchild"). Leaving the Church to do as I pleased, playing God, doing what married people do without the blessing of the sacrament of matrimony was my downfall. It opened the door for the horror of sin, including murder. I am so sorry, so ashamed, so lonely, and broken. I can hardly wait to die. This life is just too painful. I am 47 years old.
Thanks for listening. I sure would LOVE to go to a Rachel's Vineyard for a retreat, and yet, I am poor, and live hand to mouth (always have). I pray that God will end legalized abortion, because we can do nothing without Him!! I realize now that all these innocents being slaughtered are present day saints. I murdered a saint. Nothing can make that better. I did name him, and asked the Blessed Mother and Jesus to baptize him. It was the least I could do. I ask for his prayers, as well.
Please pray for me and for the other women who have been duped into thinking abortion is an option. The baby is already here - inches from being born - when he is in mother's womb; killing is a sin.
Sincerely, In Christ Jesus,
Vinney H
PA