The Gift

I had my abortion when I was 19 years old. I was between relationships and honestly don't know which boy was responsible for the pregnancy. (I guess it doesn't really matter, but at the time it added to the shame I was feeling)

I told my mother and father and my best friend. All three said things like, "You need to get on with your life, You're too young to be a mother, How will you finish school?" Inside I was telling myself "no one will marry you if you have a child..., in order to get support, you will have to prove who the father is, then everyone will know"

I told the boy who I most hoped was the father, he was a college student - I was taking a year off. He suggested adoption (he was adopted). But I thought, "If I put it up for adoption, I would have to think about it every year on its birthday!" Of course I didn't know that the alternative was crying for it for years. Besides when I was told that the test was positive, I really thought my choice was - Do I want to become a mother now? I did not realize that I already was one....

So I rode a greyhound bus to his school, he drove me to the clinic, paid for it, and I went on my way.

My heart was hardened to the world, I was tough.... time to get on with my life.

Well as you know, it doesn't quite work that way. I met my current husband the next year. I was hopeful that the birth of our first child would take the pain of my abortion away - but it only made me more aware of what I had really done. In fact the pain didn't go away after number two, three, or even four. By this point, the anger outbursts my family was at the receiving end of were tearing us apart.

I tried to leave them all. Not physically, but emotionally.... you see I know now that I did not feel worthy of love from anyone. How could I be?

I can honestly say that my poor choice at 19 years old has defined my life and affected every single relationship in it.

But even though I was not aware of it, God still loved me. Through a 12-week Bible Study, I was restored and made whole again.

Here's a song God placed in my heart recently:

The Gift

I didn’t know him well in my younger days, it showed in my thoughts and it showed in my ways.

Returning a gift sent from heaven above, not knowing then it was something I’d love.

Becoming aware - what my choice really meant, the pain and the sorrow - too much to repent.

So I buried my anguish - it was best that I hide, and deep in the night I just layed there and cried.

I don’t know love, I don’t know joy, I don’t know peace, there’s none inside of me.

And there’s no patience, or goodness, or kindness, for anyone to see.

Gentleness passed by me, and faithful I can’t be, and self-control can’t find me - so lonely I will be.

Years later, a sister- she reached out to me, "There’s others who’ve suffered, come join us, you’ll see."

"We’ll show you a path that will lead you back home, it’s not easy to follow, but you’ll not be alone."

I learned I am loved, even though I can’t pay, I learned I’m forgiven, now to Him I will say:

You gave me love, You gave me joy, You gave me peace, beyond my wildest dreams.

And now there’s patience, and goodness, and kindness, that overflows in me.

Gentleness has found me, and faithful I can be, and self-control will bind me - for you have set me free.

Through him I have joy and a reason to live, there’s so much I can offer, so much I can give.

Seeing through the pretending, the things that we do, the pain deep in your soul, my hearts aching for you.

He’s strong, yet He’s gentle - He forgives us each day, and he wants me to share, so to you I’ll now say:

He’ll give you love, He’ll give you joy, He’ll give you peace, beyond your wildest dreams.

And you’ll have patience, and kindness and goodness, that overflows it seems.

Gentleness will find you, and faithful you will be, and self - control will bind you - for you will be set free

yes, You will be set free,

yes, He will set you free.