I had an abortion in December, 1998. I had been dating a guy for a few months, and things got carried away one night. I found out that I was pregnant, and I had one thought in mind: "I cannot have a baby out of wedlock. I would be a disgrace to my family, so my only option is abortion." My boyfriend had broken up with me, I was alone, and I couldn't tell my parents because I knew they would be unhappy with me. I told a couple of my friends that I was pregnant. One tried to talk me out of abortion by telling me her post-abortion story. I listened, but had my mind made up that I could not have a baby. I went to the local Planned Parenthood clinic one afternoon and talked to a counselor there. He told me I was six weeks along and that I would have to wait three more weeks before having an abortion. I didn't understand why, but the counselor told me that I had made a good decision and that the abortion would be quick and easy. I scheduled my appointment for the first week in December. 

A friend drove me to the clinic. The attending staff prepped me for the abortion and told me to have a seat until my name was called. I don't know how long we waited, but the receptionist finally told us that the abortion doctor's flight had been cancelled and she would not arrive until that evening. I rescheduled my appointment, and my friend drove me back to the clinic later. The clinic was full of mostly teens and 20 year olds waiting for an abortion. Some got called in, but for the rest of us, it was the most excruciating wait. It got dark outside and was getting late. The receptionist told us that those of us, who had not been called in yet would need to come back the next morning. We all were upset and reluctantly complied. 

That next morning, my friend came to pick me up for the third time. I had a nose bleed and got worried that it would not stop and I would miss my appointment. I really think that God was placing roadblocks in my path, trying to tell me that I should not abort, but my mind was made up. The waiting began again when my friend and I returned to the Planned Parenthood clinic. I had developed morning sickness the week before my appointment, and it was so bad that I could only keep a few foods down at any given time of the day.

At my third rescheduled appointment with Planned Parenthood, I was finally called back. I was very scared. I had a nurse holding my hand during the entire procedure. I cried and kept silently screaming in my head, "no!" It was over before I knew it. I felt relief, shock, numbness. For three days, I walked around in a fog, and for a year, I had nightmares, heard babies crying, and cried myself to sleep every night.

Right before Christmas, I told my parents that I had had an abortion. Telling them was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. My mother asked me some questions and said, "We are never going to talk about this again!" Those words wounded me almost as deeply as my abortion had.

God started placing Christians in my path in January, 1999, and one month after my abortion, I ended up at the local Crisis Pregnancy Center asking for help. I went through a Bible study for post-abortive women, called, "Forgiven and Set Free," by Linda Cochrane. I also did some counseling at the Crisis Pregnancy Center. I started seeing a Christian counselor at another agency and went to her for two years. At the end of my counseling, the Christian counselor told me that when I first came to her, my heart was so hard that she didn't think she would ever be able to break through to me. Praise the Lord, He removed my heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh. My counselor at the Crisis Pregnancy Center encouraged me to listen to Christian radio and to keep it on at night in my bedroom, so I did. One night in May of 1999, I was listening to the radio, and the song "Lord, I offer my life to You" came on. The words had such heartfelt meaning that I broke down and surrendered to God. I confessed my sin, and gave my life completely to Him. 

Two years ago, my ex boyfriend called me and asked if we could get together and talk. I agreed to come see him, and after praying about it, I felt peace. I felt God’s presence around us as we talked. We forgave each other and went our separate ways. I also found out that he had gotten saved about the same time I did. God works in amazing ways! My ex boyfriend had been in a car accident three months after we broke up in 1998, and he became a paraplegic. It was hard seeing him in that wheelchair, but when I saw how independent he was, and that he had a strong will and determined spirit, it made me realize the value of our lives. God loves us no matter who we are, what we have done, and what position we are in.

In 1994, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, which had spread to her lymph nodes. She had a radical mastectomy, followed by chemotherapy and radiation. She has been cancer free for 11 years. Since there is no history of breast cancer in my family, I wondered how Mom had developed it. I was informed of the breast cancer-abortion link after I had my abortion.

Contrary to the fact that my mother said we would never talk about my abortion again, we did. Following my abortion, my mother reached out to me and said that she understood what I was going through. I knew that no one could understand unless they had been through an abortion. I began to wonder if my mother or someone close to her had an abortion. I found out the truth two months after my abortion. My mother and I were alone together in my house one afternoon. Mom started asking me about my abortion and the feelings I was experiencing. I started to cry.

With tears in her eyes, my mother said, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I had an abortion, too." She started to sob. When she composed herself, she told her story. Mom had become pregnant with her third child in 1973. She was suffering from depression and going through some difficult times in her life. My parents didn't think Mom was stable enough to care for another child, so the mutually consented that Mom should have an abortion. It had nearly caused her to have a nervous breakdown.

Mom had finally shared her secret about her abortion, which she had been carrying around for 26 years. My mother and I developed a closer relationship, and my family has been loving and supportive of me. Life's hardships draw us nearer to those we love.

M.