My abortion happened 16 years ago. I was dating a guy that I loved very much. We were in an on again, off again relationship for 4 years. Just before my abortion, we had a fight and broke up – for good. A couple weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. When I told him that I was pregnant, he said that he wanted me to have an abortion because he didn’t think I would be a good mother. Also, he said I was a big baby and challenged me to finally be a woman. I really never thought he would want me to go through with it. I found out that he was dealing drugs and I wanted him out of my life, so I chose to follow through with his plan. He paid for my abortion with his drug money.

The night before my abortion, I couldn’t sleep. I was lying alone in bed with my own thoughts, and I knew what I was about to do was very wrong. Two years earlier, I had gone through the same situation, but decided to carry that pregnancy to term. Abortion was never even a consideration to me. But now that I had a 2 year old son, I didn’t want others to think I made the same mistake…again. The only people who knew I was pregnant were my mom and sister.

When I woke up that morning, I called my sister and told her that I thought I was "miscarrying". I told her I was bleeding and wanted to know if she would watch my son. After I dropped him off, I went to the abortion clinic. I noticed the picketers, and I wanted to make sure none of them knew me. I drove around the block. None of them looked familiar, so I pulled into the parking lot and went in. The picketers yelled stuff to me, but I felt they didn’t know my situation so they didn’t deserve my time.

Once inside, I gave the receptionist a fake name. I felt numb. I filled out paper work, talked to a counselor, talked to a nurse, and tried not to think about what I was doing. A nurse escorted me into the abortion room. She helped me get ready for the procedure and just asked me vague questions about the weather and if I was going to school. The abortionist came into the room and began my abortion. The nurse was leaning over me and starring into my eyes. After a little while, she asked the doctor "Is something wrong?" He said, "It is trying to get away – I’ve tried three times!"

I was shocked!! What he said hit me like a ton of bricks. It is trying to get away! I started to pray and ask God to stop all this from happening – to not let it work – to let it fail - to put His hand in the way of the vacuum. I couldn’t believe what I was doing!! Seconds later, the abortionist said, "It’s done". He put away his tools and left the room. From that moment on I have REGRETTED MY ABORTION!! I just wanted to run, to die…I was ANGRY! After the nurse left the room, I started to cry. A part of me died in that room. I knew what I did was wrong. The "IT" he was referring to was MY BABY!

As I walked down the steps to leave the place, I just balled. I remember looking in the sky, wondering what God thought of me. The rest of the day, I laid on the couch. I would look at my son and just cry. I wanted to go back to that place and pull my baby out of the dumpster. If only I could live that day over again. My decision to have an abortion was final. It was over. I can’t go back.

My mom, who thought I miscarried, encouraged me to name my baby and to write my baby a letter. I named my baby, Baby Chris and I wrote her a letter. I still have things that make me grieve - like when I go to the dentist and hear the suction machine. My abortion happened two days before Valentines Day, so every Valentines Day is a reminder. Baby Chris would have been born in September. By now, she would be 15 years old. I wonder what she would look like. I wonder what her laugh would sound like. I wonder if she would have a boyfriend. On this earth, I will never be able to hold her or kiss her good night. To tell her I am sorry. I can’t believe that I took the life of an innocent baby to make myself look better. I really wish I had had the courage to stand up for Baby Chris and to have said NO.

My grief drew me closer to God. I know that He forgives me for what I did. When I asked for His forgiveness, He gave me a clean slate. He remembers my sin no more. For that, I am eternally grateful!!! I know that, when I die, God will welcome me in to Heaven. Standing next to him will be Baby Chris. Only then, will I no longer Regret My Abortion.

If you or someone you know has questions about abortion, please e-mail me at purplelatte@hotmail.com. Abortion is not the only choice. You can parent your baby or release him/her for adoption. I may not have all the answers but I want to encourage you to make a decision you can live with.

RS, Illinois