Where to begin.

The room, blue.

My feet, wore socks.

My body wore a warm white robe.

My emotions, lonely and scared.

Seated on one of the many comfy couches, I wasn’t sad. I was relieved, relieved that he and I could get the Medicaid to pay for it so I didn’t have to tell my mom.

I wanted him with me in this room, not the other dozen girls waiting with me. No one was talking, just watching and wondering as each girl was called individually and disappeared behind the door and never came back. Was this going to hurt? Was I going to have to have my feet in stirrups? Was the doctor going to be mad at me?

I was 17, in love, and an active Christian. Maybe in some way I was grateful to God for letting this be legal so Jeff and I could start fresh and be married.

He and I tried so hard not to have sex. When my mom had offered me birth control pills, I had reassured her that I was a Christian and that sex was not going to be apart of my life before marriage. Becoming pregnant was proof to an unbelieving parent that trusting God did not work. It was proof to the friends I had been witnessing to that I was a worse person than they were, it was proof that my life was a lie: I didn’t love God, I loved Jeff.

Afterward, my mom found out anyway. She and I have not talked about it since and I wonder if I had asked her beforehand if she would have wanted me to keep her grandchild or if she would have seen it as a hindrance to the plan for my life.

You see, my mom would always say, "you’re college material". Having the abortion, however, did not set me on the path for college as expected. Following Jeff led me to graduating high school early and into preparation to be his wife. Then he dumped me. His parting words to me were, "No one else will ever want you now", referring to my no longer being a virgin.

So when he wanted to come back, I let him come back and got pregnant again. This time, however, he was not there by my side. He left me alone and threw me some money and told me to take care of it. There was no promise of marriage. Just me and God. I wanted to do the right thing so bad. I wanted to walk with God and deliver this child. I was

working as a counselor for the Billy Graham crusade being held at San Jose State at the time…1981.

I told a close guy friend for encouragement and he did. He told me how wonderful I would be if I could be strong and go thru the pregnancy and how God would honor my decision to do what was right. I couldn’t do it – I couldn’t find the strength. Unfortunately, the second abortion happened because I did not have enough character to face my problem and walk the consequences and trust God. I never saw that guy or any of those friends again. I left the church and God.

I married the first atheist I could grab hold of. As I was walking down the aisle to take my vows, my uncle who was giving me away, asked if I would rather go grab a beer, and sadly, I thought to myself, "well, actually, yes." And so there I was at 21 – married to a man that wasn’t Jeff and thought he was God. I did not have a father growing up so my first husband sort of became that…whisking me away from everything.

Then my daughter was born. When I held her in my arms for the first time and looked down into her little face, reality set in as to what I had really done to the two babies before.

I have two children now and these two wonderful miracles started to change my world. Along with the kids came the need for me to get them to church. So they and I started going back to what felt to me like home, back to God. Then the nightmares started. Somewhere in my psyche I decided that God was going to take my most precious gifts away from me thru some kind of horrible deaths because of what I had done to the babies I had had in my life before. I could not shake the anxiety and I started dealing with a guilt I had never had before – remorse so devastating and something I could not fix by running away.

The church I was attending had a flyer referring to a Crisis Pregnancy Center in Mt. View that was doing an Abortion Recovery – a Bible Study to find forgiveness. I called the number but I was too late, they were full. But oh, I was desperate! I pleaded with her that she had to add me or I wasn’t going to make it thru another week. I needed help and I needed it now. I must have scared her to death. I am so thankful to God that she had grace with me and let me join the group.

The P.A.C.E. (Post Abortion Counseling and Education) Bible study and support group would change how I saw God, for the rest of my life. It began with the verse Jer. 31:15, "A voice is heard in Ramah, Lamentation and bitter weeping. Rachel is weeping for her children; she refuses to be comforted for her children, because they are no more." I sobbed uncontrollably. I needed to. This was part of the healing process. It would be followed up in one of the later weeks with one of my favorite verses from the group, "His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." Ps 30:5. This was a grace I had never understood before, a forgiveness that was foreign to me. .. This is a wonderful character trait of God’s that I have come to rely on, time and time again. And He is always faithful, though I have not been. I did end up getting divorced but am now married to a wonderful Christian man. (Side note, my first husband became a Christian.)

That is my testimony. I wanted to add here that the reasons for my abortions were not because I could not afford a baby or didn’t want to place a baby for adoption, it was primarily for secrecy. Being so active in my youth group and on campus, it was the sin I wanted to hide and my failure to trust God.

In the Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren tells us that trust is something that comes with practice, meaning that every time you trust God and He is faithful it will be easier for you to trust again. That is the direction of my life now. Learning to trust God. There have been some times in my life, starting with the PACE Bible study that I have experienced God’s unconditional love and forgiveness and it is making it easier for me to follow Him and know that He has nothing but the best in mind for my life.

My life long goal is Peace. And I’ll end with this hymn taken from John 14:27, " My peace I give unto you, is a Peace that the world can not give. A peace that the world can not understand, Peace to know, Peace to live, My peace I give unto you."

20% of abortions are performed on college age women

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