Fifteen years ago I made a decision that would change my life forever when I chose to have an abortion. I was a high school senior at a prestigious all girls’ school. At least half of my class was sexually active and openly talking about it, so I don’t know why I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant. I had been sexually active for several years already, and naively I thought that if I didn’t get pregnant initially, then chances were, I wasn’t going to, but there I stood in the girls’ locker room with a positive pregnancy test. I decided to only tell a few people. Unfortunately, I never went to my parents for fear that I would disappoint them or they would reject me.

I assumed abortion was my only option, so I went to Planned Parenthood because they had strict rules of confidentiality. The counselor there reinforced my decision to abort convincing me that I still had my whole life ahead of me. I barely remember the details of that day (which is a blessing). I do remember arriving at the clinic and filling out the paperwork. I remember being called to the back and being set up on a cold table. There was a nurse there who told me everything would be fine. I really do not have any recollection of the procedure, though, and I am grateful for that. The one thing that stands out in my head so vividly is that after my abortion I had to go into another waiting room (I can only assume this was to allow the medications to wear off). As I sat there sipping orange juice, I remember looking around the room at the other "girls". Some were crying quietly, while others sat in silence with empty expressions on their faces, and not one of us made eye contact or attempted to speak. That moment has weighed heavy on my heart for all these years.

I felt, at that moment, as if we had all committed ourselves to suffer in silence, so when I left the clinic that day, I chose to bury my abortion deep within my heart. It wasn’t until several years later when I met my husband that I spoke about my abortion, and it was only to let him know my past before we committed to marriage. A few years later when I went for counseling, I realized that many of the problems that led me to therapy were actually side effects of my abortion. Deep in my soul, I knew that part of me died along with my baby that day, but I didn't realize how much of my life was affected.

I was never warned of the lack of self-esteem that would drive me into an eating disorder or the discomfort with my sexuality that would create intimacy problems within my relationship. I was never told that guilt would overshadow joy when I heard my baby’s heart beat for the first time and realized the consequences of my abortion, or that each subsequent pregnancy would be filled with initial anxiety and fear that something would go wrong because I thought that God was going to punish me. My abortionist never told me that I would be more likely to have a miscarriage or suffer from reproductive problems. I felt disgusted and dirty, and undeserving of God’s forgiveness, and even though I had gone to a priest and confessed my sin, I continued to carry the guilt and shame with me, never allowing myself to accept God’s mercy. On the outside I continued to wear a big smile on my face, but inside I was emotionally wasted.

Recently I received the grace to witness God’s love and forgiveness. It has not been an easy journey, but a very humbling one. Through a lot of prayer and self-reflection, I am on the road to recovery, and I realize that this is a lifelong commitment. I submit my story as proof that abortion does hurt women, and like so many, I was not warned of the deep wounds it would leave on my heart and soul.

Sadly, I will never know my unborn baby’s face or feel his touch or see him gaze into my eyes, but I know that God has a special place for him in His heavenly house where he is waiting for me. Today, I feel blessed that God has forgiven me and granted me the courage to stop living in silence. I lived in the dark shadow of a lie for many years, but now the truth has finally set me free. Thank you Silent No More for finally giving post-abortive women a chance to be heard and to heal.