By Teresa Burgess, RN
I had an abortion 25 years ago because I did not want to disappoint my parents, and I could not envision myself as a mother, especially not a single mother. I was supposed to meet Prince Charming, get married, and live happily ever after.
When I found out that I was pregnant I was told that the pregnancy was just a blob of tissue. I was not told that that “blob of tissue” had a beating heart. I was not told that by the time I made it to my appointment at the abortion clinic two weeks later, that the hidden “blob of tissue” growing inside me could suck its thumb.
The healthcare provider who did the suction abortion did not understand why I cried during the procedure. He said, “Quit crying! This isn’t that painful.” He was right, in a way. I wasn’t in a lot of physical pain compared to the emotional pain I was in. But that was only the beginning of my pain.
Although I was relieved that I had avoided public shame, I immediately found myself depressed and suicidal. I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for months. I had bouts of depression, anger, nightmares, flashbacks, and difficulty feeling close to loved ones and God for years.
I believed what I wanted to believe even though my heart and conscience knew differently. I numbed myself emotionally and psychologically by stuffing all negative and destructive emotions. Years later, thinking I had moved on, I came to see that I still had a great deal of emotional healing to do. Even though I had accepted in my mind that God could and did forgive me, emotionally I still felt guilty and I needed to forgive myself and those involved in my abortion.
Yes there was a feeling of relief after my abortion, because I was off the hook financially, and no one had to know about my sexual exploits or my pregnancy. But I wasn’t off the hook emotionally or spiritually. Doing what was convenient did not cover up the selfishness of my deed. I have experienced the hook of emotional and spiritual destitution that follows abortion.
Technology has revealed to us the beating heart of a 6-week-old fetus and the sucking thumb of an 8-week-old fetus. There is no fooling me now. The medical community can whitewash their lies, but I know that life is present and precious, made in the image of God from conception to natural death.
I want other post abortive women and men to know that there is emotional and spiritual healing available. You are not alone and there are people who want to help you with no strings attached.
I want young women to know that they are worth waiting for, and that sex is not the same thing as love. I want them to know that there are significant short and long-term risks and consequences to abortion. I want them to know that if they are pregnant there are people who care and want to help them, without wanting to make money. They deserve the whole truth about all their options, and time to consider them.
That they may avoid what I have been through or find healing as I have, I am willing to be Silent No More.