Undeserved Grace…Julie
My head was bowed in silent torment. Hot tears burned my face falling endlessly into my trembling lap as the speaker confessed her secret shame to a crowd that pressed in all around me, crushing me with an assumed judgment and condemnation. Inside I was screaming, “Stop, please stop!” The haunting memories of my child’s violent death came flooding back in my mind with vivid clarity. My instincts told me to run, to hide, and to escape the anguished longing to take my own life. This woman spoke of forgiveness and of being set free. Could this be? Would God really forgive this heinous crime that destroyed one of his innocent little ones? All these years living in a self-imposed prison of fear, hate fueled self-destructive behaviors, whose walls seemed to whisper hopeless lies filled with debilitating grief, grief that continued endlessly. With no funeral or grave, closure never came. There was nothing but regret and shame to honor my child’s short life.
Over 28 years ago in selfish arrogance I sinned against God. In rebellious disregard of the protective nature that God places within all parents, I ended the life of a person that God knew before she was formed. A life not meant for harm but for a future filled with hope. This life was planned by God at the very moment of conception. It was not a “blob” of tissue, not merely a symbol of human life. My little one could not defend herself; she had no choice. In minutes she was gone forever, never to live a life here on earth.
In the Lord’s great mercy she is held in His presence for all eternity, and I live with the assurance that I too will be with my Abba and my baby, to never know the sadness and the tears that once consumed my very soul. God has done exceedingly, abundantly above what I could ever hope or imagine. The Lord shattered my yoke of bondage, healed my broken heart, and restored my virtue. God has brought beauty from the bitter ashes of my despair. All because of Christ’s choice to take my place in death, I am healed. God used the loving support and compassion of my family, friends, and the women who freely give of themselves in a bible study/ support group to minister from a place of hope and healing that they to have experienced. Today I serve the Lord sharing with others the healing message of forgiveness through post-abortion bible studies/ support groups and silent no more speaking. The thought of speaking in public about my deepest, darkest secret was unbearable to me until the Lord gave me a precious promise from His word, "The cowering prisoners will soon be set free, they will not die in there dungeon, nor will they lack bread." Is.51:14 How could I keep silent ???? How could I ????
“You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy that my heart may sing to you and not be silent". Psalm 30: 11-12