I’m Not Pregnant Any More

 

In 1972, in my 20’s, I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy.  I was filled with fear of what my family and the world would think if I was to have a bi-racial baby out of wedlock.

 

Upon the advice of friends, I saw a physician who unquestioningly accepted my request for an abortion in a local hospital, under anesthetic.  When I awoke in the recovery room my first words were, “I’m not pregnant any more!”—It was such a relief.

 

After that I locked the experience away, deep within myself, and refused to think about it again for years while I went on with my life.

 

 Fifteen years later, married but unable to have children for various reasons, both physical and psychological, I ended up being hospitalized several times with clinical depression.  In therapy I finally was able to discuss the whole abortion experience, but it led to more self-hatred and the certainty that God would never forgive me.

 

I finally came to healing through years of therapy and the care of a wonderful pastoral counselor in my church, an Episcopal bishop who helped me to understand how God had forgiven me years ago, but that I needed to forgive myself for the act of killing my own child within my womb.  With his prayers and guidance, I came to that self-forgiveness and understanding of the astounding love of God.

 

Sue