Abortion Haunts the Soul

by Cindy

I am not your typical young woman who has had an abortion. I was not a 17-year-old who became pregnant because she was having sex for the first time with a boyfriend or a 24-year-old who is “shacking up” with her boyfriend. I was 39, married, financially secure and already had two young children a boy 4 and a half and a girl one and a half.

Are you horrified by that last statement? I am when I think about what I did. You are wondering, how could you even consider aborting your child—you knew what you were doing? I have asked myself that many times. Did I have a good reason? No, I did not. The reasons and circumstances are as unique to me as each one of the 40+ million women and 40+ million men who saw abortion as the only option and took it. Looking back I can see certain personality characteristics, childhood and marital issues—the psychological and emotional drama of my life up to that point which led me down the path to that abortion.

But bottom line --I had an unplanned pregnancy just like the 17-year-old and the 24-year-old. I was in a crisis and all I could think of was myself and how I saw my future and I was scared and overwhelmed and alone. Caught up in a culture that believed and promoted that it is OK to choose death for your unborn child and immersed in my own emotional baggage, I choose the easiest path to handle my unplanned pregnancy and that was abortion.

What I thought was that this would be the solution to a problem and I would never have to deal with it again. Oh, how wrong I was. From 1989 when I had my abortion until the year 2000, I was in the state of denial—denial that I had done anything immoral or that my physical symptoms of fatigue, lack of joy and pleasure in my life may have stemmed from the sin of killing another human being.. I lived my life with my family feeling hollow and empty, without connection—I was alone, sad, hurting, and numb.

And then the scales fell from my eyes and I understood deep within my psyche and soul what I had done. I looked face on in the mirror of my soul to see the horror I had committed. I fell into deep despair and anguish for many months with thoughts of suicide, guilt, shame, and unbearable sorrow and regret. I was a murderer of the first degree. I couldn’t explain away and medical and scientific knowledge could only confirm what happens when a human egg and a human sperm come together to begin the process of human development and growth—a process that starts in the womb and continues until our death.

I knew there was nothing I could do that would bring back my son. But God and his Holy Spirit took hold of my heart and mind and soul. I was convicted not by men, but the Holy Spirit. From that sorrow and through a long process of breaking down the walls of pain and hurt, many tears, incredible grief, remorse and then repentance, I found healing in the only one that could heal my sins and forgive me—Jesus Christ. In His immense love, God provided me with His gifts of grace and mercy through His son- Jesus.

I went to God’s Word, the Bible, listened to Christian radio, went to a church, and eventually joined a post abortion support group. It has taken six years for me to be able to write this and be silent no more. I have experienced God’s miraculous healing in my innermost being and am so grateful for the truth He speaks. I continue to struggle with the consequences—there are parts of my life that are still couched in darkness. I still feel deep sadness and regret at times, but I know that I have been forgiven through what Jesus did on the cross. Each of our journeys will be different, but they all involve the God of this universe and His son, Jesus Christ, who created each one of us and who wants us to live our lives abundantly without the heavy weight of this sin and others to carry.