The Baby With Wings

by Stephanie

Do I blame myself? I knew what I had to do; I could not bring you into the physical abuse of my world. While alone in the bathroom, I caressed my belly and loved you, but I still went to the abortion clinic in Dallas. Many feelings of self-hatred went through my heart. How could I begin to comprehend what was about to happen to you? After going through the sonogram and visit with the psychologist, it was time to say good-bye.

The walk down the stairs was so scary but peaceful, for you were not going to be here in an hour and my life would finally be normal again. I sat in the chair in the room where you were going to die, and all I could do was wonder why there were no windows in my room. I wanted to be separated from you as soon as possible.

The procedure took about thirty minutes. You were gone and I was escorted to a room where I was served cookies and water. I went back to the apartment and sat there thinking, "How could I have just taken the life of my child?" I blamed myself for thirteen years. Almost all of my decisions were tied to you in some way or another.

Now I am proud to call you my own. Of course I regret my abortion; it has cost me to lose so much of myself. But with healing from the Lord and help from Rachel’s Vineyard, I have found the strength to forgive myself.