Finally at Peace

I was 25-years-old and had two children when I had my abortion. My daughter was only 6 months old when I discovered I was pregnant again by her father, despite the use of a contraceptive sponge. We had moved in together too soon after his divorce, and we had decided not to get married because I felt he wasn’t ready. I must have been correct, because he moved out when she was only 5 months old and I had only recently started working again after being on unemployment following my discharge from the Air Force. He said he had never lived alone before and needed to find himself.

I was buying diapers and formula on credit cards, and had to move into a cheaper place so that I could support my two children. I was raised in the Catholic Church, but had been away from it for a considerable time. When my sisters and my mother came to help me move, I told them I was pregnant again. They, particularly my mother, pressured me into aborting the baby, saying I couldn’t handle it financially or emotionally. I fought with it for a couple of weeks, but in the end I felt I had no choice; they were right.

My best friend took me to the abortion clinic. There were protesters outside that day, and we went in through the back door. I felt as if I were moving in a dream world…or maybe a nightmare. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I also didn’t know any other way out. I was emotionless, having separated myself from my body. I will never forget being taken into the procedure room, will never forget the coldness of the table and the stirrups, the pain and especially not the vacuum sound. Even as emotionally detached as I tried to be I cried and cried. Everything inside me kept screaming that it was wrong, but it was too late to turn back.

After it was over, they told me that I had actually been 12 weeks along when I had thought I was only 6. I’m not sure why they told me, as I think it would have been easier for me not having that information. A fetus is so much more developed at 12 weeks; it starts to take on the characteristics of a human with eyelids and ears, working kidneys and a beating heart.

I went home and went to bed for days. I couldn’t live with myself. I wanted to back up time and change my decision. I wanted to listen to my heart instead of those around me who thought they knew what was best for me. Finally I realized my children were suffering from me not being there for them, and I decided it was time to get on with my life. So I got out of bed, went back to work and went back to everyday life. The abortion moved to a different place in my mind and my heart, but it would resurface to haunt me at the oddest times.

When I was 30, I was a military dependent living in Greece. There I met a wonderful priest, Father Dave. While he was coaching me through my confirmation classes I confessed my abortion. God gave me absolution through him, as I knew he would and already had. I still didn’t forgive myself and this seemed to bring everything back to the surface once again. I once again tried to push it to the back of my mind and to the back of my heart, but it kept coming up, especially on Mothers Day.

I never told my children about the abortion. My daughter was visiting her father one summer and he took it upon himself to tell her. I didn’t feel it was his place and I wasn’t ready to tell her, but I had no choice. It was so hard to explain to her over the phone as she was hundreds of miles away. It hurt so much more because she had always wanted a baby brother. I wanted to comfort her with hugs for this loss of 15 years that she never even knew she had, but I had only words. Since she knew, I felt I had to go through it again and tell her older brother. Both of my children ultimately forgave me.

Though it took 20 years, I am finally at peace. I met a very special, spiritual man who made God’s viewpoint very clear to me and let me know that I am forgiven and I need to forgive myself completely. Matthew 6:14-15 states “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” It was time to forgive myself. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that I will be reunited with my baby in heaven. I will always regret my decision and based on my experience, I will always advise other women against abortion.

-- Tina, IL