Lynn, Ireland

I had an abortion when I was 18 yrs old on 21st September 1980 whilst serving on the Staff at the Royal Military Academy, Sandhurst.  My boyfriend was a Corporal in the Royal Marines and was away in Norway at the time.  We had been dating for a year.  He had nothing to do with the abortion decision and was unreachable.  At the time, it was British Ministry of Defence policy that pregnancy was ‘unlawful’ and pressure was brought to bear on me to abort immediately.  Here are some of the things I wish I had known … 

I wish someone had told me …..

• That I didn’t have to have sex just because my peers were
• That actually being sexually pure on your wedding day was a ‘cool’ thing to be and in doing so, I would have been protected from the trauma of abortion
• That I could become pregnant whilst taking the Pill
• That there were people there who could have helped me to keep my baby by providing accommodation as well as financial and emotional support
• That my choice to abort my baby was based on misinformation and fear, and that my ‘choice’ would turn out to be a ‘poor choice’ I would live to regret
• That the career I was being encouraged to save I would end up despising and leaving because it reminded me of my aborted son
• That my life didn’t have to stop just because I was pregnant
• That I would lose my self dignity and self esteem not just then but for many years to come
• That a baby is a gift from God and is always a miracle
• That I wasn’t God and that all life and death are determined by Him

How come I wasn’t told …

• That my 11 week old son was not a ‘blob of cells’ but in fact had a heartbeat, arms, legs, and a face
• That those who encouraged me to abort my son would put up a wall of silence after the abortion and not discuss it with me
• That I would be put into a ward where women were giving birth and where visitors were coming and going with pink & blue assorted flowers and gifts
• That I would wake up during the procedure and experience excruciating pain.  An experience which would haunt me for years.
• That I could change my mind
• That would think about my son Stephen, every day for the rest of my life

 I wish I had known ….

• That I would go into a marriage that was doomed to fail because the abortion had destroyed a part of me, and that my husband and I would divorce after 6 years with no further children
• That other women also suffered from their abortion experiences and I wouldn’t have thought I was alone for so long
• That my monthly menstrual cycle and prolonged labour in childbirth would be triggers for memories of the abortion

I wish I had known ….

• That when I became pregnant the first time after my abortion that I would miscarry – a daughter, Lily
• That when I became pregnant a second time, that the humanity of my aborted son would become a reality as I read through pregnancy books of baby development and realised I had been told a lie
• That I would not be able to bond initially with my first living child, Holly, because of the grief I experienced over my aborted son
• That I would become an overly protective mother obsessed with perfection and a control freak in all situation
• That there IS such a thing as post abortion trauma and that I displayed classic symptoms of it such as depression, baby fixation, and suicidal thoughts
• That I would have to tell my living children how I killed their unborn brother and how heartbreaking that would be for me and for them
• That there were post abortion recovery programmes available

But I am glad someone told me ……

• When I became a Christian in November 1993, that God released me from the shame and the guilt of my abortion when I repented and turned to Him
• That I can cry for my aborted son and miscarried daughter
• That help was available for me and my healing journey would begin
• That I could name my aborted son, Stephen, and give his life dignity.  In doing so, give him his proper place in our family along with my miscarried daughter, Lily
• That God was with me during my abortion and my son is now in heaven where I will see him with his sister one day
• That because I was able to share my own sin with my daughters, I would be able to sow the seeds with them that sexual purity takes courage and strength.  It is the greatest gift they can give to their husbands on their wedding day.  And that abortion, to hide sexual activity outside of marriage, is absolutely not what God wants
• That one day I would talk about my aborted son to people like you so that you too would know the true cost of abortion and how it deeply damages women
• That God would take what the enemy meant for harm and turn it round for good
• That God would restore the years lost in pain and suffering with joy and peace.  In doing so I would have a husband and two daughters who would commit their lives to Christ and upholding the sanctity of human life
• That God revealed to me the truth … and the truth has set me free

I am eternally and humbly grateful that someone told me …. 

That I could break the silence and be SILENT NO MORE