No Hallucination By Lillian

My boyfriend was abusive. When I found out, I was pregnant, I was nineteen. He had already broken my jaw a couple times and put me in the hospital once. I decided to have an abortion because of his abuse. I just didn't want to be tied to him for the remainder of my life.

Unfortunately, nothing my boyfriend could have done to me would compare to what that abortion clinic did to me. I made my appointment and went to my local Planned Parenthood for my abortion. I was in the waiting room where other girls were waiting for their appointments. The mood was solemn and sad. Everyone knew what they were about to do. For whatever reasons, all of us were there because we felt we were backed into a corner. Eventually, they took me to a room. After waiting in the room a while, I began to have second thoughts. Being brought up a Christian, I knew this was very wrong. I feared that if I had the baby, not only would my boyfriend be tied to me for life, but he may abuse the baby as well. How could I put a child through his abusive tirades? 

I had to wait a long time in that sterile plain room to get ready for the abortion. The workers were very ineffectual and not very nice at all; they almost threw the paper gown at me. A nurse entered the room to prepare me for the abortion, and I told her I was having second thoughts. She said, "OK, I will tell the doctor." When the doctor came and I told him I had second thoughts. He said nothing to me; he just pulled out a syringe filled with something from his lab coat pocket and injected me. I lost consciousness for a while, when I came too, the procedure was already underway.

I was numb and unable to move, but I kept repeating over and over again, "I changed my mind, I changed my mind.”

The doctor had a devilish look of enjoyment on his face as he ripped my baby apart. As he worked, he said to me, "This is best for you, and I need a new hot tub for my new home." I couldn't believe it when he said such a thing. My head was spinning and I went numb from the shock of what was happening to me. All I could think about was how I could ever atone for the murder of my child. I heard the sucking of the machine as he worked I swear I could hear my baby's soul crying as it was torn apart.

I finally woke up completely and when I said that I had changed my mind, they told me that I asked for a sedative which made me hallucinate. It was not a hallucination and I never asked for a sedative. Those awful people forced me to have an abortion against my will. The minute I expressed any doubts about my abortion, they took steps to make sure they got my money from me.

I have never forgotten that awful experience. I tried to sue the clinic but, I was told that I didn't have a case because I had been given a lot of paperwork to sign and one page granted the permission to sedate me during the procedure if needed. One of the side effects of the sedative they used was mild hallucinations. There was also no proof that I had asked for the abortion to stop.

It has been five years and I have not forgotten it or stopped feeling guilty. Last year, suffering severe depression from the abortion, I tried to kill myself using my antidepressants. I asked for the abortion to stop, but I walked into that clinic and made the appointment. The clinic would help with the abortion, but they offered no help for my regret and depression afterward. I have looked to my church and I still feel unforgiven. I looked to psychology to help me with the guilt and they just gave me drugs. Finally, I decided that maybe if I tried to help other women and girls, I might be able to get redemption. Everyone needs to know that abortion mills are dangerous. Women and girls need to think through their decisions very carefully because their very souls are in danger.

No matter the circumstances, there is always a better choice than abortion. Help is available. I didn't ask for help because I was scared for my safety and I didn't think my family would help. I thought they would be mad at me for getting pregnant out of wedlock, but they would have helped me if I told them.  I was just so confused that I didn't think I had anyone in whom I could confide. But there is help out there. Don't make the same mistake I made.