Peggy, Tennessee

I graduated from high school in May of 1973 during that period I learned to cope with life with any substance or action that would erase memory, ease conscience, eliminate burdens, and avoid consequences and responsibilities. 

The memory of my first wedding was blurred by getting high on the way to the courthouse. 

We had two little boys. Very loved and very treasured we thought...although at no time did we alter our substance abusing lifestyle. 

When James was 2 ½ and Chris was 13 months, I discovered that I was pregnant again. I had recently had a thyroid scan, but the doctor did not indicate that there was any danger to me, although a miscarriage was always possible. 

I went home with mixed feelings. I told my husband and he reacted very negatively. This was a bad time for me to be pregnant. What if something were to happen to me because of this pregnancy, and he'd be left having to raise the boys alone? We can't afford to have another kid. 

I was scared, overwhelmed and felt like a failure. I couldn't imagine a positive outcome. 

All of our friends advised abortion. No one tried to talk me out of it. Not even my husband. His baby. 

He took me to the clinic in Denver. I was given a sleeping pill and instructions for the next morning. The next morning he took me back to the clinic and he sat in the waiting room while I changed into a gown, laid down on a table, and was given a hefty dose of valium. I remember hearing a vacumn cleaner sound, as I felt a long, painful cramp. I remember hearing someone crying. Then I fell asleep. I awoke in a separate room, with a nurse telling my to get dressed, it was time to go. I walked out, and my husband drove us home. 

I lied about it, rationalized it and justified it for years. I thought that the immediate so-called solution would override any possible future regrets. This abortion would meet my needs of the moment. It would be the solution to my family’s financial burdens, and my personal energy and convenience concerns. 

But in my heart and soul I knew that it was wrong. The abortion that I chose to have not only murdered my innocent baby, it damaged me physically, mentally and spiritually. It was not a solution to my problem. 

Because of the physical damage I had to have a hysterectomy 3 months later. 

The guilt and shame of allowing my child to be murdered made it much easier to use and abuse myself in many other ways. 

Feb. 14, 1999 is the day that I decided to live and come to know God. I have been clean and sober since. 

Since then I have opened myself to God's healing love and grace. Through the miracle of the 12 steps I became honest about the past. Through a desire for spiritual healing and growth I sought reconciliation with the Lord through the sacrament of reconciliation, and finally forgave myself. 

However, it was through Fr. Pavone's website that the deepest level of truth finally sank in. I clicked on the link to see what abortion looks like. I needed to really see it to realize that my own personal healing and sorrow are not enough anymore. It is important for our regrets to be heard and acknowledged as truth. That's when I decided that I could be silent no more.