I am speaking to you today because August 1^st, 1979 I had an abortion and wished someone could have told me then that I would someday deeply regret this decision. I made this decision, because I didn’t see a way out, I was pregnant from a one night stand and very ashamed of that and wanted to hide what I had done from my family. When told I was pregnant at the St. Paul Health Department, the nurse asked me what I wanted to do. I said abortion I guess and no other option was suggested to me. I was just handed a number to an abortion Clinic.  

I don’t remember much about the abortion experience it self other then feeling very numb inside and crying most of the night after the procedure. As I look back I can see how my abortion affected my life. For the first years I could not hold jobs, I had poor self esteem and made poor relationship decisions that sabotage my dreams of marriage and having children. Fifteen years after the abortion at the age of 38 I was pregnant and still single. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and started a downward spiral of depression and finding no purpose in life. I felt I would be better of dead and no one would miss me. The worse time of the year was around my birthday, which always reminded me of my empty arms and the hope of ever having children. On my 45^th birthday I remember being alone and rejected, crying out that I can’t live this way anymore. I knew I could not live another year with this pain I had in my heart. I decided I needed to get counseling, go on anti-depressions drugs. Whatever it took. 

In January my oldest niece asked me to go to church with her. She and I have had always been at odds with each other so I thought this might be a way to bridge a gap between us, not really thinking I would get anything out of church. Good thing I was wrong about that. I remember sitting through a service on forgiveness, crying the whole time wondering how Christ could forgive me, I could not even forgive myself. The guilt and shame I felt was unbearable. I thought abortion was the unforgivable sin. The church was offering Alpha course in the fall and I thought that could be a tool for me. I found the forgiveness I needed on the Holy Spirit day. Thankfully, Christ became my Counselor and the Holy Spirit, my anti-depressant. 

I had the most peaceful and blessed birthday that year, but in January I realized that I wanted to mourn the loss of my aborted child. Then by chance I had I picked up a brochure at church wanting an address off it. The next day when I looked at the brochure and found it was for Conquerors, a Post-Abortion Healing group, I did not even know these groups existed. I called and they had one opening left. I knew God’s was telling me to go and to be healed! I went through group and was able to share with other women and learned why I always felt so alone most of my adult life. I also learned that the baby was not a sin, the abortion and everything related to it was. With Christ at my side I was able to heal the pain, grief and mourn the loss of both my children. And after 25 years I was finally able to tell my parents, and guess what, they grieved for me, forgave me, and are very loving and supportive. This has taught me to trust in them and the Lord even more. 

I am now 52 without a child of my own to hold in my arms, but because of the promise of Christ I now feel I belong, and that I am a beloved child of God! I will always regret the choice to abort my baby, but Christ has given me purpose with the opportunity to help other women wounded by abortion that they do not need to find out by chance that they also can find hope and healing though Him who loved us first. This is why I am silent no more!