My Testimony
When I was 21, one evening I was
raped and not long after found out that I was pregnant.
So I was devastated and
emotionally distraught. I didn’t want to have an abortion and just couldn’t
believe that this was happening to me.
I told my Fiance about the rape
and pregnancy and he was very upset at first but then told me he would support
me but flip flopped about whether he thought I should abort or have the child.
So I thought that he would leave me during the pregnancy. I also worried about
having another C-Section because I had a very hard time with my first C-Section.
So for these reasons and many others I thought abortion was my best option and
an answer to my problems.
However immediately after
aborting, the very second they took the baby, I knew that it was a very big
mistake, but it was too late. I had agonized over whether it was a baby or just
tissue as the abortion industry told us back then before the abortion, but now I
knew that it was a baby and not tissue. The next day was very hard because my
mother told me that if she would have had abortion available to her, she would
have aborted me, thinking this would make me feel better about my decision.
However, it didn’t make me feel better because if I had of been given a choice,
I would have chose to be born and have LIFE, but my baby was not given a choice.
That same day, my Fiance asked if
I had went through with it and said to me that I was stronger than him because
he could have never done it. I wished he had of told me that a day earlier. I
did not feel strong, but very weak to have taken the easy way out or so I
thought.
Well I just decided that there
was nothing I could do to change anything that happened so I was just going to
pretend that none of it ever happened.
A week or two later, I was
married and tried to be happy but had bouts of depression. When I got pregnant
again and began to have break through bleeding and thought I was having a
miscarriage. I was so distraught because I thought I was going to lose this baby
that I wanted so much as punishment for what I had done to the previous one.
However, the bleeding stopped, but I worried constantly through out the
pregnancy, especially when I got toxemia toward the end of it. Thank God, I did
have a healthy baby, but I suffered with depression and anxiety a few months
after delivery.
A few years later, I had another
child and also worried through out the pregnancy. I once again suffered from
bouts of depression and anxiety after delivery. I started having the same bad
dream over and over again about a baby who was in my care that was dying from
starvation and it was too late to feed it. I didn’t relate this to my abortion
until later.
I started volunteering at the
Pregnancy Center many years later and would become very upset by the women who
would call Help Line and be distraught after an abortion. So I decided I needed
to deal with my own abortion before I could help others.
So I contacted a Rachael’s
Vineyard retreat for post-abortive women.
It was very difficult to face my
feelings of pain from the rape and guilt and sorrow of the abortion. The
memorial service for the babies was the hardest part, but after being able to
grieve the loss of my baby, I began to heal for the first time in almost 30
years. It would not be over yet, because with any death of someone close you
need to go through the grieving process. However, I found divine mercy and
forgiveness through Jesus Christ and he gave me the ability to forgive myself.
Thank you very much,
Pam
