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Testimonies
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To Feel At Peace
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Mary Beth
Pennsylvania,
United States
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I had an abortion because the boy I was seeing would not marry me when I told him I was pregnant. I was in the U.S. Navy and if I had a child, I had to get out of the Navy. In 1971, when I joined, you could not have children in the Navy. Adoption never crossed my mind. I told my parents I was pregnant and they cried. They wanted me to call up his parents to let them know. Of course I said no. I even went to a priest and talked to him about it and he said when I had the abortion to come back to confess it. He did not even say anything to help me or to consider any other options.
Years later, I heard he was no longer a priest. So I still had the guilt in me because I thought God did not forgive me because he was not longer a priest. My parents, I think, never knew about the abortion. I told them I miscarried. I did not want to hurt them again. I loved them so much.
I have no recollection of the procedure. Whoever performed the abortion did not talk to me after the operation. I do remember throwing up after the operation. I stayed in the hospital I think about two days and was released.
Stupid me, I continued to see the father of my aborted child until he got out of the Navy. I never saw him again. I still remember his name. Immediately after the abortion, I went to church with a friend, who knew about the abortion. The sermon was on children. I cried throughout the rest of the service. After that I cried all the time and asked my baby to forgive me. I never knew if it was a boy or a girl. I did not want to know.
A year later I found out my abortion was in my medical record. I tore it out because I was so embarrassed. A few years later, I dated a man who I would eventually marry after a few months. I told him about my abortion. Later I heard he told someone about it. I asked him why he did that. I cannot remember what he said. Because of the Navy, we were together for one year and then separated for another year until he got out. He then went to college and I realized I did not love him. So after three years of marriage, I divorced him.
I than met a man, also in the Navy, who I only knew for six months. I also told him about the abortion. He was sympathetic to me about it. We got married because he was getting transferred and I think we did not want to leave each other so soon after meeting. I then got an annulment from my first marriage. We eventually got married in a Catholic Church. When I was pregnant with my first son, all the guilt and sad/bad feeling about my abortion came back again. Then I got pregnant with my second son. Then it happened again. I thought and thought about my aborted child again. I never really resolved the loss I experienced. It just kept fester in me.
My second marriage ended in divorce, which I did not want, after 25 years. He drank and never came home. With all the pain I have gone through, it should have been me who was drinking. I guess, and am glad, alcoholism was not in me. I do not ever want to meet anyone special again. I ruin everything I do. As I said above, it will be 30 years in January next year. I still cry and ask for Hope Marie's (I always wanted a little girl) forgiveness. When I named my baby, I hoped the pain would go away. Since I did confess my sins of abortion and promiscuity, I feel a little more at peace with myself. I hope she is watching over me.
I pray that NO ONE goes through what I went through. It hurts deeply and the hurt never goes away. Even after this length of time, at one point last year, I even wanted to go to the police station to say I murdered someone—I aborted my baby. I even thought I deserved to go to prison for it. That is how my abortion affects me now. I really need to feel at peace. I hope I can get the help I need.
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