I didn't date until I was eighteen and when I finally had my first boyfriend, I told him I was saving myself for when I got married.  We were together over a year.  I was in college and all my roommates were sexually active and, well, it seemed like ‘No big deal.'  So, I began having sex with my boyfriend.  Four years later we became engaged, we graduated from college in 1994 and he ended the relationship in January of 1995. 

I went a little crazy and latched on to the first guy that smiled at me . . . in the span of three weeks, I had been intimate with three different men (one of them being my ex, one a long-time friend, and the other my brother-in-laws brother).  I became pregnant and told all three of them.  The long-time friend was the only one that was positive about it; the other two both gave me money to have the abortion (and I took it all).  My long-time friend was only nineteen years old and was in no way ready to be a father.  It didn't seem real to me, I thought I could just have the abortion and my life would get back to normal . . . that was so far from the truth!  

During the abortion, I felt like I was at the door of the room watching, not lying on the table, I think I had to do that so I could avoid the emotional pain of it all.  Immediately after the abortion, I was ushered into a large room full of lazy-boy chairs filled with girls/women- some crying, some sleeping, some writhing in pain.  I had no physical pain and was emotionally numb. 

As time went on after the abortion, the emotional pain increased . . . I couldn't look at babies or I would cry out of guilt, loss, and shame.  I didn't want anyone to know what a horrible person I was, or what I had done.  About four months after the abortion, I met a man and became pregnant after only three months of being together.  I'd say I didn't learn anything from the abortion, because I was pregnant again within seven months.  However, I carried this baby to term and gave birth to him on November 19, 1996. 

My belief in God was strengthened (I thought that because I 'killed' my first blessing that God wouldn't bless me with another chance) when my son was born, healthy and happy!  I fell into a deep postpartum depression; all I cared about was my son, not myself, not my marriage, just my son.  Within the next three years my husband had an affair, we got divorced (not of my choosing), and I was on my own as a single mother.  Being a single mother, I had to 'get it together' because I didn't want my son taken from me.  When my son was almost three years old, I met a man (now my husband of 10 years, PRAISE GOD).  He took my son and I in and loved us through all the battles and the depression.  

Finally in 2000, I finally lost it . . . I was suicidal, having anxiety attacks, and wanting to just run away.  I got help then for what I thought was due to my ex-husbands adultery and my failed marriage.  It was then that I revealed my abortion and my therapists face went blank . . . "Julia, THAT is where all this guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety are coming from, we need to work through this."  She was absolutely right.  I had put that ordeal on the back burner and was dealing with what was going on here and now and not looking back. 

Since then I have accepted Christ, became involved in my church family, and have felt the forgiveness of God for my abortion.  I still struggle with it, I'm still sad about not meeting that baby, not giving him/her a chance at life.  My husband and I have two beautiful daughters together . . . these girls and my son are my 'proof' that God has forgiven me.  He has blessed me beyond all I could have ever imagined.