I had an abortion because of the "fear of man".  I was fearful over what my parents (especially my dad) would think, say and do if they found out that I was pregnant.  I was also encouraged by my boyfriend to have the abortion and I didn't want to "disappoint" him.

Before the abortion, I was in awe and wonder that a tiny child was in my womb.  I remember seeing the changes (though minimal) in my body and being amazed.  I didn't know the Lord then, so I looked at it through a somewhat scientific viewpoint.  But there was still a sense of wonder and awe that the scientific world cannot explain....that could only be explained by the fact that the baby inside of me was one of God's precious creations, fearfully and wonderfully made! 

During the abortion procedure, I experienced a lot of pain.  ...much more pain than I did with the birth of my three children eleven years later.  I also experienced a deep grief and regret over the choice that I had made.  One of the nurses was holding my hand as I was grieving and sobbing.  She said to me, "It is ok.  It will all be over with very soon".  This was such a huge lie.  While the life of my unborn child was "over with", I had inflicted deep wounds upon my own heart that I would then carry for thirty-two years, affecting my life and relationships in a drastically negative way. 

Immediately after the abortion, I felt very sad, depressed, guilt-ridden, gloomy, despondent, desperate, lonely and worthless.  Physically, I experienced severe cramping afterwards for about five days...much worse than my worst menstrual cramps ever were. 

As time went on after the abortion, I felt wounded, half-hearted, wilted, neglected, insecure and out of place.  I experienced much sadness and grief over the choice that I had made to abort my unborn child, especially when I would see other women's babies.

For thirty-two years, I had stuffed in all of the emotions that I have described above, to a point of being numb and feeling like the abortion was only a nightmare.  I kept "silent", however the wounds within my heart were festering and bleeding. 

But God, in His infinite mercy, chose to intricately weave the details of my life...bringing me to the Healing Hearts Ministries online study. I found help, wise counsel from a sister in the Lord, and healing through the study, which is richly steeped in the Word of God.  The incredible healing journey started out as simply a pre-requisite to becoming a peer counselor at a crisis pregnancy center in my area after having had an abortion...and became a wonderful twelve- week period of watching the Lord perform surgery on my wounded heart...getting right to the deep self-inflicted wounds, using His precious Word as the balm of Gilead to heal my heart.

I also found help, healing and forgiveness through my prayer minister, who led me in a prayer asking for God's forgiveness for what I had done as well as a prayer releasing forgiveness toward myself for the grievous decision I had made to end the life of my unborn child.  

I am now free of the negative emotions that I had for so many years about my choice to take the life of my child.  After thirty-two years, my heart is healed from the self-inflicted wound of abortion. And while I will always regret my abortion, I know that I stand forgiven before the Lord.